Articles by " Blair"
18 Apr

World Juggler’s Day! No… Wait… International Juggler’s Day!

  1. Baqet III is buried in the Ancient Egyp­tian ceme­tery site, Beni Has­san. Paint­ed in memo­ri­als of life’s loves and life’s joys hiero­glyph­ics donned upon his tomb reflect weavers, acro­bats and, pic­tured below, the ear­li­est known record of jug­gling.
  2. April 18th isn’t World Juggler’s Day. World Juggler’s Day is the Sat­ur­day clos­est to June 17th. April 18th is Inter­na­tion­al Juggler’s Day which is anoth­er way to say World Juggler’s Day which, as you learned ear­lier, isn’t today. I asked over at r/Juggling why this was and user thomthomthomthom pro­vid­ed a reli­able answer: 

  3. In 1998 my moth­er and I come across a jug­gler at Mon­roeville Mall who was demon­strat­ing and sell­ing a VHS instruc­tion­al video and 3 ball set from a com­pa­ny called More Balls Than Most which mom bought on the spot for me. From their pristine, suc­cinct and humor­ous instruc­tion I grew skilled in tech­ni­cal jug­gling tricks such as; the cas­cade, show­ers, the reverse cas­cade, columns, the yo-yo, the oy-oy, the claw (what it would look like if cats could jug­gle), Mill’s Mess, Rubenstein’s Revenge and, my mother’s per­son­al favorite, juggler’s ten­nis.
  4. Clouds of dancers and fog pall over the whole stage; lights crash, a creak­ing and woo­ing-ahhs and yelps of the choir spill over as a half-lizard/half-man appears from his smog­gy chrysal­is emerg­ing into a heap of human–ish form. The clouds part, a cos­mic witch of the stars peers through the dark­ness and drops a ball into his hand. I am enrap­tured by the poet­ic menagerie of Vik­tor Kee’s use of his body, the con­quer­ing of the space around him, all for the jug­gle.

  5. In 2000 my high school gym teacher Mr. Veri­co had to put up with not only me but also Shan­non Nor­man in his class. Some­times he’d teach the whole class yelling from his best Hen­ry Rollins impres­sion (whom he looked like) while wear­ing Shannon’s stud­ded and punk patch bedecked leather jack­et just to make a point; we were peo­ple to him, we weren’t just high school kids. For 2 years Veri­co let me jug­gle as my gym cred­it. I showed him pro­gress, he chart­ed it, I aced it. 
  6. Con­tact jug­gling is when the ball, usu­al­ly a large, heavy, clear acrylic ball, glides smooth­ly across the sur­face of the juggler’s body. David Bowie in the movie Labyrinth, for exam­ple, is con­tact jug­gling. BUT! IT’S NOT BOWIE! It is Michael Moschen who is crouched, blind­ed, behind David Bowie and with his right arm under Bowie’s arm he is the jug­gler behind the Gob­lin King’s crys­tal balls. 

  7. In 2010 I made 6 videos for a friend on the basics of jug­gling and how to get start­ed. Heav­i­ly influ­enced by More Balls Than Most I imi­tat­ed their teach­ing style and made a sar­cas­ti­cal­ly awk­ward set of instruc­tion­al videos rid­den with snarky quips about my balls. Here’s step 1! 

  8. I spent much of 2016’s sum­mer in the park film­ing myself and shar­ing the videos on Insta­gram and on YouTube when, through var­i­ous video edit­ing apps and after an inci­dent of acci­den­tal artistry, I found I was able to con­vert my videos from what jug­gling looks like into what jug­gling looks like to me. The video series shows the tran­scen­den­tal­ly emo­tion­al, psy­cho­log­i­cal and psy­che­delic con­nec­tion that I have to jug­gling. I have nev­er felt as if I were sin­gu­lar but rather, some­thing plu­ral and as I have always referred to myself as “we” and or “us” then that makes me a “they.” In the video series I show my selves in coop­er­a­tion; I show you them, work­ing as one. 

  9. In 2016 Ship­wreck Asun­der is in the mid­dle of bar­ber school dream­ing of straight razors and car­ni­val tents when Mike Willis and T.J. Har­ris at Mod­ern Era Wed­dings call him up and hire him to wran­gle Pittsburgh’s finest cir­cus artists. Mod­ern Era Wed­dings (win­ners of 9 “The Knot” awards), a full ser­vice wed­ding enter­tain­ment, plan­ning, DJ, and doc­u­men­ta­tion com­pa­ny decides, “you know what? Pitts­burgh needs a full ser­vice, com­pre­hen­sive cir­cus arts col­lab­o­ra­tive and we’re going to give them one!” Ship­wreck calls me, tells me to get my balls and meet him in the South Side for prac­tice. Now after 18 years of jug­gling I accept my first job as a jug­gler. I choose the stage name Zero, a char­ac­ter from my children’s-book-for-adults “The Adven­tures of Zero and The Girl” which, with all the world’s fin­gers crossed, will be pub­lished and on sale at Kards Unlim­it­ed in the near­ing future. 
  10. Speak­ing of the near­ing future… I will be work­ing with Kards Unlim­it­ed staff to devel­op a jug­gling props and mag­ic tricks sec­tion for the store. How will you know Kards Unlim­it­ed will be sell­ing jug­gling props and mag­ic tricks? Why you’ll see me and my friends from Pittsburgh’s Cir­cus Arts Col­lab­o­ra­tive (web­site com­ing soon!) giv­ing demon­stra­tions and inspir­ing the youth of today to fol­low in our play­ful foot­steps. Per­haps one day some child’s moth­er will turn him or her into a jug­gler because of me. Which I think would be pret­ty slick.
By    No Comments
4 Mar


Your prob­a­bly sit­ting their on you’re couch reed­ing this like, “I’m a native Eng­lish speak­er I don’t knead a lessen in gram­mer.”

If that sen­tence made you want to die on the inside, then this blog is for YOU! Let’s get some things straight though.

First rule of grammar club:

We DO NOT make fun of incorrect grammar usage by someone who speaks English as a second language (ESL) because

you prob­a­bly can’t explain why it’s wrong. I’ve rarely heard some­one laugh at a poor­ly writ­ten sign and say, “HAHAHAHHA MORPHOLOGY STRIKES AGAIN!”

A per­son who uses ESL prob­a­bly knows more about Eng­lish than you do; as a native Eng­lish speak­er we take the rules for grant­ed and don’t ques­tion them, but some­one learn­ing Eng­lish is like “THIS IS THE STUPIDEST LANGUAGE” and in many ways, it is! Remem­ber this old gem?

and this clas­sic:

A lot of the rules we were taught grow­ing up (and by we I mean 30-some­things and above who remem­ber dia­gram­ming sen­tences in grade school. If you were me, it was the BEST! If you were a nor­mal per­son, it was the worst…but if you’re read­ing this, you’re in the for­mer camp).

But here’s the thing (ack! I start­ed a sen­tence with but! Shame!) the rea­sons we were told we couldn’t do cer­tain things are not rel­e­vant any­more. For exam­ple, one of the­se ancient rules is “you must not split an infini­tive.” WHY MUST WE NOT??????? Because (eeek I start­ed a sen­tence with ‘because’!! I FEEL LIKE A MILLENNIAL!!! I’M GONNA STAY UP PAST 9 TONIGHT!!!) Lat­in.  The infini­tive in Eng­lish takes the form ‘to (verb)’ as in “to go”. So when Cap­tain Kirk says “to boldy go” he is split­ting up that sexy infini­tive cou­pling with a moth­er­fuck­ing adverb. WTF amirite? Here’s the thing though, in Lat­in, “to go” is only one word, “ire”…BUT WE DON’T SPEAK LATIN ANYMORE.

{Can I side track to nerd town for a sec? K thanks. Before I went to grad­u­ate school for Speech Lan­guage Pathol­o­gy I had to brush up on some basics, but I real­ized that the­se basics weren’t exact­ly basic to your aver­age native Eng­lish speak­er. I fell so deeply mad­ly in love with my Pho­net­ics text­books (and teacher, ahem) and as a result fell so SO back in love with lan­guage.

Get­ting out­side the realm of gram­mar specif­i­cal­ly, here’s an exam­ple of a super awe­some thing: an allo­phone! So in Eng­lish, we’ve got the­se let­ters that makes sounds, let’s take the let­ter /t/for exam­ple: it’s called a phone­me; it rep­re­sents a sound. When you weren’t look­ing, /t/ went out and made a fam­i­ly! That’s right, /t/ has it’s own fuck­ing fam­i­ly, and they are called phones. The [t] in tar is dif­fer­ent from the [t] in star; if you put your hand in front of your mouth when you say “tar” you will feel a puff of air, and that is called an aspi­rat­ed [t] and has it’s own sep­a­rate sym­bol! The [t] in “writer” sounds like a [d] when spo­ken, so that gets ITS OWN SYMBOL (called a flap) and this goes on, AND THAT’S JUST ENGLISH! The­se oth­er /t/ sounds are allo­phones of /t/, aka, bas­tard chil­dren.

And don’t get me start­ed (yep I start­ed a sen­tence with AND; screw you, Ann Lan­ders) on how beau­ti­ful actu­al 3D depic­tions of spo­ken lan­guage are.}

End side track…you for­got you were in brack­ets didn’t you! We’re back to sassy town.

The 2nd rule of grammar club:

We DO make fun of the president of the United States if he makes a grammatical error, and here’s why:


Going to leave you with a cou­ple won­der­ful links: one will take you to a twit­ter account called Trump­Gram­mar…no expla­na­tion need­ed, and the sec­ond is a link to a study by CMU that found Trump’s gram­mar to be just below a 6th grade lev­el, Aslan save us all.

PEACE OUT (that’s right I’m end­ing on a prepo­si­tion. EAT IT.)

By    No Comments
3 Feb


…is why we LOVE Valentine’s Day!

and also we love love. Like a lot. It’s our thing.

I’m going to try my very best to stay calm and not to shout at you dur­ing this tour of our best Valentine’s Day cards. Look how calm I am. No hyper­bol­ic excla­ma­tions. NBD. What­ev. I could care less. Ok let’s look at some cards.



Pun Love

Not only are the­se cards the CUTEST, and fair-trade recy­cled, they also hap­pen to sup­port an amaz­ing cause.  The card mak­ers are wom­en who have escaped sex traf­fick­ing in the Philip­pines and young adults orphaned by dis­ease in Rwan­da. Each card is signed  and so con­nects you to the life you are help­ing to trans­form. I know. Cry­ing. I can’t even. Also from Good Paper, some adorb gay/lesbian designs because LOVE IS MOTHERF***ING LOVE! Ahem.


May­be puns aren’t your thing. How about some SCIENCE! I’d say the more roman­tic sci­ences are Chem­istry (duh) and astron­o­my (man crush on Neil Degrasse Tyson):



Sci­ence not your thing? How about the 80s! The 80s is everyone’s thing. Except cur­mud­geons. The­se cards are by a new com­pa­ny we are IN LOVE with called The Found:


Retro Love

May­be you want that vin­tage vibe; check out the­se beau­ti­ful water col­or cards from Driscoll:


How about the­se nat­u­ral­ly occur­ring hearts in nature from the love­ly Hearts Hap­pen line, we have a bunch and they are all so sweet:

Hearts Happen

Hey if you like nature, may­be you like NPR? Eh? Safe assump­tion? Ani­mals? Eh? Try out the­se cards from Lady Pilot, also a new favorite:


Let’s get seri­ous now. Let’s get down to the best kind of love. NERD LOVE. And the best kind of cards, OUR CARDS! That’s right, the­se are home­made fresh out the oven best served with geek sauce.




But seri­ous­ly, we have seri­ous cards too. We have it all, and we sin­cere­ly love to help you find the per­fect card so if you need some ideas, just ask! Hedge­hog card? Yep! Cats? Duh! Dogs? C’mon. Cards from my grams? Of course! And don’t for­get, Galentine’s Day is real, don’t for­get to send your friends some love. This par­ty isn’t just for lovers any­more;-)

with love,







By    No Comments
23 Nov

Top 10 Things We Are Thankful For!


Now more than ever we need to remind our­selves what we are thank­ful for and not take those things for grant­ed. So with­out fur­ther ado:

  1. Nerds. You make the world go round. Enthu­si­asm is the spice of life, in a Dune kind of way.
  2. Left­over Hal­loween can­dy. Rot­ting my teeth as we speak, and Star­burst are lit­er­al­ly fly­ing across the office at an alarm­ing and dan­ger­ous rate. 
  3. Books. But seri­ous­ly, can you even imag­ine life with­out? Don’t. Don’t try. It’s awful and cold and dark in that place. 
  4. Pets. Along with books, make life worth liv­ing. Some­times I look at my cats and get real­ly tripped out that this super fuzzy lit­tle crea­ture with legs and a face that exists on this plan­et is liv­ing in my house and likes to hang out with me. 
  5. Har­ry Potter/J.K. Rowl­ing. We’re pret­ty sure that Har­ry Pot­ter is 95% of what we talk about here at KU, and the oth­er 5% is usu­al­ly about remind­ing the males to use the bath­room spray in the employ­ee bath­room. (Note: We need more bath­room spray.)
  6. Each oth­er. We like to cre­ate a fam­i­ly here at Ku, and right now our staff is aces. We are real­ly lucky to have real­ly good peo­ple work­ing with us.
  7. Game of Thrones ref­er­ences.  Ok I lied, our con­ver­sa­tions here are 60% Har­ry Pot­ter and 40% GOT. We like to yell “YOU KNOW NOTHING JON SNOW!” at trainees. But in a nice way.
  8.  Star Wars ref­er­ences. Ok I lied again. Our con­vos our 50% Pot­ter, 20% GOT, and 1,000% Star Wars ref­er­ences. Most used: “the­se are the cards you’re look­ing for” and “that’s no (insert moon-like object).
  9. & 10. The last 2 are ded­i­cat­ed to YOU our won­der­ful and loy­al cus­tomers because I want to talk about you for more than as sen­tence. You are sin­cere­ly what makes us love com­ing to work every­day. Inter­act­ing with you about what you’re read­ing, watch­ing, eat­ing, and espe­cial­ly hear­ing you laugh, reminds us why we’re here. We have fun with each oth­er here, but it’s the cus­tomers that real­ly make it all worth it. 

Hap­py Thanks­giv­ing to you and your fam­i­lies, human and feline and canine and all. 

-Kards Unlim­it­ed

By    No Comments
3 Nov

National Sandwich Day: Tips from a Pro!

Nobody gets me like you do sandwich

Nobody gets me like you do sand­wich

On this spe­cial day, we have out­sourced this blog to a pro sand­wich lover, the one and only Marne Orenich. The girl has sand­wich tat­toos on her body, what more sand­wich street cred do you need? Enjoy her rec­om­men­da­tions!
I would nev­er call myself a “food­ie” (wretch), and I admit that I’ve been slip­pin’ on check­ing out the ridicu­lous amount of awe­some restau­rants pop­ping up in the Burgh, but if there is one thing I know to be real and true, it’s that I am obsessed with sand­wich­es. If you want proof, you can talk to Bree, who drove 7 hours across the state with me to go to the Sand­wich Club sum­mit last year, or the tat­too artist who per­ma­nent­ly drilled a hoagie onto my ribs on the way back from said sum­mit (Bree got a grilled cheese on her leg). 
For Nation­al Sand­wich Day, my dear friend Aman­da asked me to write a lit­tle some­thing, so I thought I’d share a hand­ful of my favorite san­dos from our deli­cious city. 
Buf­falo Chick­en Hoagie- Spak Bros
Spak Bros knows how to do a hoagie. I delight in any­thing buf­falo-relat­ed, so I go with grilled chick­en (to be healthy, right?), and ditch the veg­gies (wait, that’s not that healthy), pro­volone cheese, and of course blue cheese on the side (yes, dou­ble cheese). Hon­or­able men­tion to the Sei­tan Melt (or “Smelt”) that every veg­an or veg­e­tar­i­an in PGH is obsessed with. 
Tuna Melt– Hanlon’s (Crafton)
Hanlon’s is a lit­tle trea­sure, and a favorite of every­one I work with in Crafton. Their Tuna Melt isn’t any­thing fan­cy, but it’s done per­fect­ly on toasty bread with cheese and toma­to. 
Banh Mi- bril­lobox
Every­one I know LOVES this sam­mie. I actu­al­ly prefer the tofu ver­sion, even though I eat meat, but pork and chick­en are also avail­able. I rec­om­mend get­ting the option­al jalapeños if you like it spicy. (Please note that I do know of Lucy and her mag­i­cal Bahn Mi’s in the Strip, but our beloved Rick Sebak has already high­light­ed her, so I thought I’d give bril­lo a deserved shout out.)
Baba Jaga- Apteka
Described as “Veg pate, Pol­ish pick­les, smoked onion remoulade, pick­led beet, mus­tard, house seed bread”, it didn’t nec­es­sar­i­ly appeal to me until I tried half of my friend’s. It imme­di­ate­ly blew me away and became a sand­wich I knew I’d come back for. 
Rose­mary Braised Beef- Gau­cho Par­il­la Argenti­na
This one is mem­o­rable on fla­vor and size. When I first got it, I knew there was no way I could fin­ish it in one go. Rose­mary is one of my favorite herbs, and this beef is per­fect. 
I want­ed to keep this list short n sweet, but if you’re hun­gry for more, I’d sug­gest watch­ing Rick Sebak’s Sand­wich­es That You Will Like, a must see for any san­do lover. In clos­ing, I ask you what Rick asks at the end of his tasty doc­u­men­tary: Which is more impor­tant in a sand­wich? The bread, or the fill­ing?  A true ques­tion for the ages…
By    No Comments
5 Jul

International Kissing Day (aka Everyday)

My first french kiss.

My first french kiss.

It was 1989, I was 8 years old, in the 3rd grade.  I lived on a mil­i­tary base in Win­ter Har­bor, Maine. Every Fri­day, a van would come and pick up all the kids a (in a legal non preda­to­ry way) and take us to Mill­bridge, the near­est town to see a movie. [INSERT EPIC MINDBLOWING UPDATE: while writ­ing this I googled the the­ater, which is like googling an image in a dream you had or like that scene in High Fideli­ty where John Cusack finds his ex list­ed in the phone­book and screams “She’s an extra ter­res­tri­al, a ghost, a myth, not a per­son in a phone book!”…basi­cal­ly you don’t real­ly expect it to exist out­side of your brain because it’s YOURS and it’s the PAST…anyway, an arti­cle post­ed TODAY telling me that the own­er died and the the­ater will be clos­ing after 36 sum­mers. True sto­ry: here’s the arti­cle.]

milbridgetheaterSo despite my tears I’ll keep typ­ing. There was a boy I liked, but he couldn’t decide between my friend Sarah and I (I even­tu­al­ly fell for her too, oof.) We all com­pro­mised and he asked both of us to be his date that night (yes, 3rd grade.) Dur­ing the movie he had his arms around both of us and I was hap­py and sad and full of exis­ten­tial angst. On the ride home I start­ed to pull away as the new Aero­smith song “What it Takes” (To Let You Go) played on the radio. It was rain­ing, and I had my head again­st the win­dow-it was pret­ty epic; one of those moments that NO ONE IN THE WORLD COULD EVEN UNDERSTAND because YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW because I was the ONLY PERSON TO EVER LOVE ANOTHER PERSON, etc.

So we get back home and as I go to get out at my stop, he takes my hand, pulls me toward him and says “let me french you good­bye” but with­out wait­ing for an “ok” from me. Every­thing went into slo mo and all I could see was his mouth open real­ly wide and com­ing toward me like Alien to Sigour­ney Weaver. I closed my eyes and part­ed my lips for my first kiss:


strange suc­tion

a tick­le on the roof of my mouth

a slick tin­gle around my lips

what actu­al­ly hap­pened: his mouth was just on top of my mouth, we kept them wide open, he licked my hard palet­te and then cir­cled my lips like he was Burt’s Bees. Done. Over.

Sud­den­ly, all that angsty exis­ten­tial dark­ness lift­ed as I real­ized I NEVER want­ed him to kiss me again. I looked at Sarah and smiled as I gave up my claim on him and turned my sites toward her. Let’s just say thanks to play­ing house I learned how to real­ly enjoy kiss­ing, and haven’t stopped since. My fiance and I were fea­tured on the cov­er of DC’s city paper kiss­ing at the Pride parade because we are both huge Allies, and because we both looked pret­ty hot. pridekiss (1)Just say­ing. I mean but real­ly. When I’m 80 I’ll remem­ber the­se boobs fond­ly and be hap­py they made it onto the inter­net.

So, kiss­ing pro tips:

1. Don’t force it; move with your part­ner, com­pro­mise your styles if they are dif­fer­ent and find your rhythm.

2. As I learned when I was 8, don’t go in with your mouth wide open and don’t try to eat your part­ner.

3. Remem­ber to swal­low once in a while.

4. Date or be engaged or mar­ried to some­one super hot.

5. KISS THE ONE YOU LOVE EVERY TIME YOU THINK IT. If you’re like me you wor­ry about death a lot. So kiss before sleep, at good­byes, and every moment in between. Because, death.

6. Don’t think about death.


By    No Comments
8 Nov

Stoker? I Hardly Bram’d Her!


“I find that joke to be hilar­i­ous!”

Cred­it for that genius pun goes to a book club friend who shout­ed it out dur­ing a meet­ing.  Dur­ing the mon­th of Octo­ber we read Drac­u­la, and at first I wasn’t on board. I thought Jonathan Hark­er was a com­plete idiot (appro­pri­ate­ly played by Keanu Reeves in Coppola’s ver­sion) and I could bare­ly get past the sce­nes where VERY OBVIOUSLY TERRIBLE THINGS should have turned him around on his jour­ney to Dracula’s castle. If peo­ple looked at me and con­stant­ly made the sign of the cross I would may­be reeval­u­ate my deci­sions in life. But real­ly.

I am very hap­py I stuck with it though. As the diary entries from Hark­er decreased and the let­ters and entries from oth­er char­ac­ters like Mina, Dr. Seward, and Van Hels­ing increased, I was sucked in. One thing I love about this book is how every­one is con­stant­ly telling each oth­er how much they love each oth­er; lit­er­al­ly every let­ter and every meet­ing is filled with praise about how great a friend and over­all awe­some human every­one is. It was hard to get some of the imagery from the film out of my head as I read; Stoker’s Drac­u­la is noth­ing like the movies, and the sexy parts are cer­tain­ly not as sexy. I remem­ber antic­i­pat­ing the scene in which Mina finds Lucy in the gar­den hav­ing ani­mal­is­tic sexy time with Drac­u­la as a wolf…but in the book this scene isn’t near­ly as hot. Also, Coppola’s ver­sion makes Van Hels­ing (played by Antho­ny Hop­kins) a total per­vy lunatic a-hole with Asperger’s. In the book, Van Hels­ing is noble and com­pas­sion­ate, and does NOT engage in leg hump­ing while scream­ing “she’s the devil’s con­cu­bine!” No thank-you. My favorite line of the book by far is Hark­er to Van Hels­ing upon their first meet­ing: “Doc­tor, you don’t know what it is to doubt every­thing, even your­self. No, you don’t; you couldn’t with eye­brows like yours.” HA! I want to start say­ing that to peo­ple all the time.

So about Stoker…weird to think of him as Irish, no? The name is so drenched in East­ern Euro­pean-ness that I was sur­prised to learn he was a total gin­ger. I’m not going to go into a bunch of bor­ing facts about him so I will high­light the good stuff:

  • He was bedrid­den with an unknown ill­ness until the age of 7.
  • He got a BA in math­e­mat­ics from Trin­i­ty. (lady­bon­er!)
  • His first work of non-fic­tion was called “The Duties of Clerks of Pet­ty Sessions”.….…no thank-you.
  • He snagged Oscar Wilde’s wom­an! (They both used her as a beard. I SAID IT.)
  • The orig­i­nal man­u­script was lost and found in a barn in West­ern PA in the 1980’s, ha!
  • In 1922, a Ger­man com­pa­ny ille­gal­ly made Nos­fer­atu and Stoker’s wife sued to have all copies destroyed. She won the case in 1925, but luck­i­ly copies sur­vived, and Her­zog (my boyfriend) remade it in 1979.
  • It took him 6 years to write it! Main­ly because he was a devot­ed slave (and may­be more) to Hen­ry Irv­ing, the great­est actor of the time, and worked tire­less­ly for him as the man­ager of his the­ater, the Lyceum. Dude skipped his own hon­ey­moon to hang with Irv­ing. Dis­like.
  • Count Drac­u­la was “Count Wampyr” orig­i­nal­ly.
  • Con­trary to pop­u­lar belief, Drac­u­la is NOT based on Vlad the Impaler. Drac­u­la means “dev­il” in the Wal­lachi­an tongue, but that’s the only ref­er­ence in Stoker’s notes–and he was a METICULOUS note tak­er.
  • In the last years of his life he was such a homo­phobe that he was for the impris­on­ment of gay authors, despite his long friend­ship with Wilde. This is most­ly attrib­ut­ed to his own clos­et­ed sex­u­al­i­ty. BUMMER.

I will leave you with a gem I found in the spi­der-web­by vaults of YouTube, fea­tur­ing Mr. Mor­gan Free­man as Drac­u­la:



By    No Comments
16 Oct

Dear Best Boss Ever…


So. May­be it’s her love of pen­cils. May­be, it’s when she said “Here’s $1500 to nev­er crap on me or any­one ever!” (I’m going to let you fig­ure out that con­text. Hint: Take it lit­er­al­ly. Hin­tx2: This is just a shad­ow of what we dis­cuss open­ly.) May­be it’s how she speaks in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS ALWAYS, or may­be it’s because she’s the only oth­er human I’ve ever met EVER that uses hyper­bole as much as I do about EVERYTHING EVER because EVERYTHING IS THE BEST THING EVER ALL THE THINGS OMGGGGGPFFFFFF. May­be it’s because we under­stand each oth­er when we say “can you do that thing because of things”.  May­be it is her load (hehe) of adorable catch phras­es and col­lo­qui­alisms that make my heart ‘swell three sizes that day’ like the Grinch. I’m going to run with the whole Grinch thing here not only because she loves Christ­mas (don’t ever call it x-mas) but because it’s sort of a bril­liant segue…

The thing is, I was the Grinch for a while there. It was one of the dark­est times in my life, and I’m 33 so I can say “one of” and mean it, as opposed to those peo­ple who are 17 and write auto­bi­ogra­phies. I lost myself for almost a year, but thanks to a hand­ful of peo­ple who loved me, I didn’t lose touch com­plete­ly. My boss, my friend; she gave me lit­tle dos­es of her light every so often, and she wait­ed. She wait­ed for me to fall in love with life again. She wait­ed for me to remem­ber how to laugh again. She gave me rea­sons to laugh. She remind­ed me that you get to decide who your fam­i­ly is; she remind­ed me that I’ll always have a fam­i­ly at Kards Unlim­it­ed.

Hap­py Boss’s Day to you, Kris­ten. I raise my glass to you, even though it’s filled with cham­pag­ne AND I HATE CHAMPAGNE.

P.s. I will now explain/admit that I total­ly used the game of thrones pic to lure peo­ple here. Not at all because IT’S THE BEST SHOW EVER OF ALL TIME.

Bri­an Boi­tano. I’m out.




By    No Comments