Articles by " Chris"
30 Oct

Devil’s Night

‘Twas the night before Halloween when I and my spouse
Were putting some spooky decor ‘round our house.
The cobwebs were hung by the skeletons with care
In hopes trick-or-treaters soon we would scare.
We had graves in the garden and a grim severed head,
Ghosts, witches, and goblins and, of course, the undead.

I carefully draped every creepy cloth flap,
But I had to admit that our scenes looked like crap.
Then out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
I screamed, and I ran to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash
With thoughts that some vandals were starting to smash.
My fear and anxiety started to grow
As I tried to make out what lurked in the shadow.
When what to my wondering eyes did appear?
I scarce dare to tell you; it brought me such fear.

Demons of all sizes--tall, short, thin, and thick--
Led by a horned figure I knew must be Old Nick.
He was huge, red, and ugly with an aura of flame,
And he cursed as he called on his minions by name:
“Now, Samael! Now, Yama! Now, Mara and his vixens!
Come Ifrits and Samhanach, all creatures of malediction.
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away, all!”
I fled from the window as they rose to the sky
I held my wife close for I feared we’d soon die.

Up to the housetop the devils they flew
I started to pray not knowing what else to do.
And then, in an instant, I heard on the roof
The clawing and pawing each cloven hoof.
We decided to hide and were turning around,
but they entered so fast that we quickly were found.
Their leader came reeking of sulfur and soot.
I wanted to run, but my dread kept me put.
A skull was the first thing he pulled from his sack.
Just a realistic prop? I was taken aback.
As he pulled out more items I certainly was wary,
But his wink let me know I should not find him scary.

He and his brood quickly started to go
and decorated our house with skill I’ll never know.
They hung witches above and dug tombs underneath.
On our front door they hung a macabre holiday wreath.
In our window a monster straight from Mary Shelley.
Fake blood pools glistened like strawberry jelly.
A hissing black cat peered down from a high shelf.
Our house looked quite awesome, if I say so myself,
Ghosts hung from the ceiling by invisible thread.
Severed arms seemed to grow out of our flower bed.
When the devils appeared to have finished their work.

I knew I should thank them to not be a jerk,
But when I walked up to their leader I froze.
He nodded. He understands fear, I suppose.
Then to his demons he gave a dismissal.
The wind as they flew made the sound of whistle.
Then I heard him exclaim as he faded into the night,
“Happy Halloween to all, and to all a good fright!”

-Kim Z. Dale


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20 Oct

Bela Lugosi

Children of the night, rejoice! It's Bela Lugosi's Birthday!


Most people recognize Bela Lugosi from his iconic role in Universal's classic horror film, Dracula. What most people are unaware of is how that infamous role played a major part in the deterioration of Lugosi's career.


Sad Lugosi

After the large success of Dracula, Lugosi found himself type-caste as the horror villain, and slowly degraded from a top billed actor in major releases, to lower budget B-movie productions who used him to hook audiences with a familiar name.


We're sure he was thrilled to meet that gorilla.

Lugosi's decline in the cinemas was also due to the fact that he had developed a serious addiction to morphine and opiates due a an injury he received in the war that caused him uncomfortable amounts of pain. His addiction became so notorious that film producers had actually believed him dead.


Late in his life, Bela Lugosi was sought out by infamous director Ed Wood, who was an enormous fan of Lugosi's work, to star in his films with parts written specifically with Lugosi in mind. Lugosi was living in obscurity and near poverty, and accepted somewhat graciously, Wood's offer. Lugosi decided to seek treatment for his drug addiction. According to a biography of Frank Sinatra, when the entertainer heard of Lugosi's problems, he helped with expenses and visited at the hospital. Lugosi would recall his amazement, since he did not even know Sinatra.


Lugosi died in his home of a heart attack on August 16, 1956 and was buried wearing one of the Dracula Cape costumes.

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12 Oct

National Kick Butt Day

Lace up your best boots and tie them tight, because today they're going do a whole lot of work. It's National Kick Butt Day!


We all know someone who needs a swift kick to their rear end, however it's not socially acceptable to do so. Well today social acceptability is out the window. Wind up your leg and let your boots fly. That lazy coworker? Kicked in the butt. Your bum brother-in-law living on your couch? Kicked in the butt. Your spoiled child who refuses to take out the trash? Kicked in the butt. Plan on doing so much butt kicking that the Steelers maybe interested in signing you as a kicker!


Okay, so maybe I'm taking the kick butt thing a bit too literal. In light of that, one could also use Kick Butt Day to accomplish a task, or rather, kick a task's butt! Say, kicking those dirty dishes in the butt, or kicking that novel you've been telling your friends your working on right in the butt! The important thing is that butt's are being kicked, whether they be metaphorical butts or real ones.


Now, get out there and kick some butt!

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5 Oct

Mario Lemieux

Lace up those skates and hit the ice, it's Mario Lemieux's birthday!


The Great One.




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25 Jul

10 Movies to Help Remind You What Being Cold Feels Like

Is the summer heat finally getting to you? Do you find yourself collapsing, face down on the floor in front of fan when you get home? Can you even remember what it feels like to be cold? Don't panic, we're here to help with a list of ten films to cool you off.

10. Alive


When your plane crashes in the Andes, and you have little to no food, what do you eat to survive? The answer may haunt you, or perhaps CHILL you to the bone.

9. The Edge


When your plane crashes in the Alaskan wilderness and you must not only survive the man eating grizzly bear that's hunting you, but also the man who wants to kill you and take your wife. Damn, that's COLD blooded.

8. The Grey


When your plane crashes in the Yukon territory and you're being hunted down by a pack of wolves, who are picking off your group, one by one. Are you sensing a theme here? Don't fly over desolate snowy areas or you'll end up ON ICE.

7. Jeremiah Johnson

jerry j

Robert Redford with a beard? Yes, please. This rugged story of a man fed up with society and leaving the modern world for the harsh comfort of mother nature's mountains will leave you yearning for fresh powder and the smell of pine.

6. The Shining


Ghosts are cold, made colder by the dead of winter in the high mountains of Colorado. Will the Torrence family perish and freeze under the icy grip of The Overlook Hotel? You're going to want to wrap yourself in a blanket after this one.

5. Mystery, Alaska


The laughs come loud and often as small Alaskan town's frozen pond hockey team takes on the profession New York Rangers... in winter. Burrrr.

4. Death Hunt


Lee Marvin leads a manhunt across the Yukon territory in search of the supposed violent criminal played by Charles Bronson. Guns and guts galore in this fast paced action thriller.

3. Frozen


This is not that movie with the song you know all the words to. This is the terrifying story of three skiers stuck on a ski lift for three days with no food in the freezing temperatures of Colorado. You'll never look at a ski lift the same way again.

2. The Thing


Trapped in the desolate wasteland of Antarctica, battling with a shape shifting alien life-form that can perfectly replicate anyone, who is human and who is a thing? More importantly, who will survive?

1. Happy People: A Year in the Taiga


Filmmaker and all around crazy man, Werner Herzog spent a year in the arguably coldest place on earth where humans live year round. This fascinating odyssey will warm your heart, and make so very thankful for your hot summer.

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7 Jul

Chris’ Picks

1. The Outsiders :

The Outsiders holds a pretty big place in my heart when it comes to books. Read at the age of 12, I was angsty and pissed off. I loved to read, but hated being told what to read by my school (mostly because they had terrible taste). That was until I was assigned The Outsiders. Filled with characters striving for a purpose in their life, playing with the cards they were dealt, and making the best of bad situations, I connected to these characters on a deeper level than I thought I could at 12. My co-workers can't get me to shut up about this book and I recommend it to anyone who loves books, hates books, old or young, I've never met a human yet who hasn't loved this book.


2. The Dharma Bums:

Most people are familiar with Jack Kerouac's work, On The Road. Most people are not as familiar with his work, The Dharma Bums. It's a fantastic counter balance to Kerouac's other works showing another side of the beat generation. The book deals much more with spirituality, and communing with nature than the fast and fiery lifestyles in On the Road. I've always recommended this work to anyone who's never read Kerouac as I find it a more accessible read than On the Road. Plus it'll make you want to do nothing except go camping. Bonus!


3. Night Shift:

Night Shift is a collection of some of King's most terrifying, heart-thumping, and spine tingling tales packed into one, light easy read (well, maybe not for the faint of heart). Seriously, try picking this one up and looking at a laundry press or a closet the same way again. Even readers who aren't big on horror can sink their teeth into this one. With nail-biting suspense and  writing like lightning, you won't be able to put it down.


4.  Good Omens:

I love Good Omens. Love it. It's such a great summer read. It's like an 80's Spielberg movie had a baby with, I don't know, The Apocalypse. Yeah. Let that sink in, and when it does I'll tell you something else, the TWO authors of this book happen to be Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett. Mind blown yet? Why isn't this book in your hand! With a host a lovably crazy characters trying to prevent the end of days, this one is sure to put a smile on your face.


5. Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings: 

I'm a big fan of author, Christopher Moore, and I'm also a big fan of suggesting his work to everyone. No one writes funny with a giant heart quite like Moore, and Fluke is no exception. Filled to the brim with laugh out loud humor, and sprinkled with lovable characters you'll cheer for until the end, Fluke may not be Moore's most famous work, but he certainly gives himself a run for his money.


6. Rant

From the warped mind of Chuck Palanihuk (author of Fight Club), comes Rant. This book is cool. That's really the best way to describe it. I couldn't give you a good summary if I tried, so I'll say this. Read this book. Then, when your mind melts out of your ears when you finish it, read it again, and you'll love it even more. Time traveling, poisonous snakes, crashing cars, and murder are just the tip of the iceberg for this wild ride. Buckle up and hit the gas!


7. The Beach

This book, has over time, become one of my favorites. It's not an ordinary read, but it is a seemingly important one. Dealing with youth and angst is nothing new to novels, but the way in which this book handles the generation of youth raised on video games and Xanax is something special. It also asks the question, what is paradise and what will we do to attain and keep it? For a summer read spiked with some bite, check out this read which I can only describe as Lord of the Flies meets Hunter S. Thompson. Hold on.


8. Zen & the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

Okay, so this is the one book this list I haven't read. But, it's there for that reason, because I plan on indulging myself with this read ASAP. I have friends who don't read (yes, these people exist), I have friends who don't even like the idea of reading, and I have friends who read everything under the sun. What they share in common is a love for this particular book. I don't know what it is that draws people in and makes them give nothing but praise for this read, but I'm eager to find out. Join me.


9. Dark Places

Gone Girl. It's a pretty good book. This one is better.


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2 Jul

World UFO Day




Clamp on your tin foil hat, look up to the stars, and hide under your bed, Alien Abduc­tion Day is here!


 March 20 is Alien Abduc­tion Day, when the skies are care­fully watched by those expect­ing / wish­ing to be abducted by an alien life form. Although you may ask your­self, how can I, a rea­son­ably sane indi­vid­ual, cel­e­brate Alien Abduc­tion Day? For starters, you can keep track of all your alien and UFO sight­ings. If you are new at this sort of extrater­res­trial stuff, can help. You will find “The Web’s most com­pre­hen­sive and up-to-date UFO infor­ma­tion source; pro­vided by America’s fore­most UFO Report­ing Agency; in con­tin­u­ous oper­a­tion since 1974.” The site even fea­tures a UFO sight­ing report form.


Where’s Mul­der when you need him?

If this is all a lit­tle too far out, go more main­stream and sim­ply enjoy an alien abduc­tion movie on March 20. Here are a few sug­ges­tions: “Close Encoun­ters of the Third Kind,” “Fire in the Sky,” “The X-Files: Fight the Future,” “The Thing,” “Com­mu­nion” and “Signs.”


Watch the skies. Every­where. Keep look­ing. Keep watch­ing the skies.”

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1 Jul

Dr. Henry Walton “Indiana” Jones Jr.

July 1st. You may know it as a typ­i­cal summer day, or maybe as a lead up to the fourth of July? Well you’d be right and so very wrong on both accounts. July 1st is a day we should all cel­e­brate in supreme thank­ful­ness, because it’s the day that the man who kept the arc of the covenant out of the hands of the Nazis, stopped a dark evil from spread­ing over India, found the holy grail  and res­cued us from the …aliens… no, no sorry that last one didn’t hap­pen. Any­way, this guy was born. Of course I’m speaking of none other than the greatest  screen hero of all time, Doctor Henry Wal­ton “Indi­ana” Jones Junior.


Indi­ana was the name of his dog. 

The Indi­ana Jones tril­ogy (Yes, tril­ogy. There was never a fourth movie made and it was all just a ter­ri­ble dream every­one shared simul­ta­ne­ously) is the sin­gle great­est action/adventure fran­chise ever cre­ated. It also con­vinced me I could wield a whip and out run boul­ders. Dis­claimer:  These are NOT things You can do.


Dis­claimer #2: You also will NOT look cool in a fedora.

From the cool fedora, to the sweet leather jacket, to the man satchel, Indy has it all. Style, grace, fight moves, and big brown eyes. Indy is a man’s man. And he’ adopted small Asian kids before it was cool.


But what­ever hap­pened to Short Round?

Okay, I’m break­ing down, I can’t do it any­more. As much as I want to pre­tend King­dom of the Crys­tal Skull never hap­pened, it did. We all saw it, we all cried. I know grief is hard, but together we move past it, get on with our lives, and love the Indy we used to know. But seri­ously, stay away from the Blu-Ray of Crys­tal Skull, I’ve heard rumors that if you watch it with your eyes open, well.…


There might be side-effects. 

I’ll leave you with this, to help make what I’m sure is a bor­ing Mon­day into an adven­ture. Seri­ously, play it while com­plet­ing any task and tell me you don’t feel just a lit­tle bit more like a hero. Chang­ing the cof­fee. Chang­ing the sta­pler. Chang­ing the Dia­per. All now more heroic.

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