Articles by " Dale Wayton"
15 Apr
2017

This Post Sucks

There are a lot of things that suck: Taxes, vacuums, and paying cover fees, just to name a few. Or, if you have the mentality of a thirteen-year-old boy, pretty much everything sucks.

Well, April 15th is National That Sucks Day. It's the day to let the world know just what you think really sucks. Sucky exes, sucky group projects, sucky knockoff brand products. But to put your own sucky experiences into perspective, it might be good to know some of the things that have actually happened on That Sucks Day. Historically, Friday the 13th really has nothing on That Sucks Day.

  1. Tax Day. Yes, this year's tax day is actually April 18 since April 15 is a Saturday, but while tax returns can be fun, and some taxes go to really great stuff, in general, tax day just causes a lot of headaches and frustration.
  2. President Abraham Lincoln's Death. Honest Abe was pronounced dead at 7:22 a.m. on April 15, 1865, the morning after being shot by John Wilkes Booth at Ford's Theater. He was the first president to ever be assassinated. Co-conspirators failed to assassinate Vice President Andrew Johnson and Secretary of State William H. Seward, so I guess that sucks a little less.
  3. HMS Titanic sinks. The legendary "unsinkable" ship hit an iceberg a little before midnight on April 14 (perhaps also one of the suckier days in history). The ocean liner, carrying about 2,200 people, took two and a half hours to sink, making its official sink day April 15, 1912. It was on its very first journey.
  4. Most people reading this will also remember the Boston Bombing, on this day in 2013.

The thing is, even sucky days can't suck all the time, right? Plenty of good stuff has happened on April 15, too. Now that I've gotten you a bit down, let me prop you back up with some not-so-sucky things about April 15 history:

  1. Jackie Robinson, 28, takes the field for the Brooklyn Dodgers on this day in 1947. 42 forever.
  2. The first bottle opener is invented in 1738 (to help us get through those That Sucks Days).
  3. In 1923, insulin becomes generally available to the public, which is definitely a good thing.
  4. Rand McNally publishes its first road atlas in 1924, launching the dreams of road trippers everywhere.
  5. William Shatner, Leondard Nimoy, and DeForest Kelley are inducted into National Association of Broadcasters Hall of Fame in 1992, for their work on the groundbreaking series, Star Trek.

So there you go. That Sucks Day is a day to commiserate about all the sucky things in the world, but also a day to remember that maybe everything doesn't suck quite as bad as it seems.

Here's hoping your That Sucks Day doesn't suck.

15 Mar
2017

Straighten Up, Richard!

March 15 is National Penis Day, and let me be the first to tell you, this holiday will grow on you. Both men and women can take time out of their busy schedule to appreciate this above-average day. Men around the world need not hide their manhood; today is a day of reflection, speculation, and basking in the glory that is your penis. You think with it, you show affection with it, and sometimes, if the time is right, you put it in a fresh apple pie.

Your penis deserves to have its veil pulled back and shown what it has accomplished.  Your penis's greatest accomplishment is probably not getting hard when your cute co-worker dressed up as Hermione for the Halloween party, but there have also been penises made famous in movies, TV, and even had molds cast of them, preserving them forever. Bet you feel pretty inadequate.

The cinema: a wonderful world of culture, action, and symbolism. Where anything can be considered "art" if you say it is. Some consider art beautiful cinematography, others how well the movie is edited, or the color palette. But some of the most artistic cinematic moments are when an actor hangs dong. Take the classic movie Boogie Nights. Mark Wahlberg exposes what is now known to be a prosthetic penis, but still shocked audiences, nonetheless. And who could forget when Hodor from HBO's Game of Thrones let it all hang out, showing us the baby arm he's been hiding.  Though this is my personal favorite penis scene in a movie [NSFW].

Now how awesome would it be if your Johnson was cast in plaster for everyone to ogle over? Pretty friggin' sweet if you ask me. Most of us won't be so lucky, though, unless you were a rock star in the 60's and 70's. If you happen to fall into the latter category, there's a good chance Cynthia Plaster Caster took a mold of your naughty bits. She is a groupie turned artist, taking plaster molds of every rock star she came across, most notably Jimi Hendrix. I cannot think of a better way I'd want my guy remembered; I just hope the plaster isn't too cold.

So, let's say for your family vacation you want to go somewhere that will impress Craig in HR, because his family just went to Denmark and he won't shut up about how great it was. You look on Kayak and see flights to Iceland are pretty cheap. You arrive in Reykjavik, only to have your family complain the whole time how cold it is, that the food is weird, and how much longer is this hike? Bunch of ungrateful brats. You storm off in a huff and decide to make your own adventure in Iceland. After some brews at one of the many bars in town you stumble around until you see a building that catches your eye. As you get closer, yes, it does say that. You have found The Icelandic Phallological Museum.

This museum has over 200 different penises from land and sea mammals that inhabit Iceland. I'm not sure you can get any more appreciative of the penis. The wild world of animal penises will truly make you stand back and marvel at what Mother Nature has given the world to create with. Though the collection was missing a human penis, the founder of the museum was determined to find one. I will not go into that story, though, because there is already a documentary about it called The Final Member, which chronicles the strange story of how a human penis ended up in the museum.

Today is a day to rise up, let it all hang out, and pull out all the stops. There is something pure, uncut about National Penis Day. It's like looking into your Long John Silvers bag and seeing they gave you extra crab cakes. It's just a silly little holiday that has grown into something that all people can appreciate, for about seven minutes, maybe ten if you're lucky. So men, pull out those nut-hugger jeans, wear sweatpants with no underwear, or put your penis in the fridge for a little just to see what happens. Enjoy the day, it only comes once a year.

 

3 Mar
2017

I Think I Blue This Post

Life is hard. You're thrown into this world with no choice of what your name is, who your family is, or who you're attracted to. For George Michael Bluth, none of those things ended up in his favor. But every day he manages to get out of bed with a positive attitude. We can all learn a thing from George Michael, and thank God he's teaching us, or else we'd all be getting scared straight by a man with one arm. In honor of George Michael's Birthday on March 3, here are some helpful tips on relationships, business, and family.

Relationships 101:

Never fall in love with your cousin

George Michael has dealt with conflicting emotions about his cousin, Maeby, since the show's pilot episode. They shared a kiss, and it sent shivers down his once innocent spine. His love for her grows over the course of the show, though he's obviously troubled by the nature of this. It is hinted that they aren't biologically related, but they only find out the truth—Maeby’s mother is adopted—after they get to second base. Ouch.

                         Date someone memorable

Business Tips:

Find a void and fill it

George Michael has always been a good student. In college, he really came into his own, losing his virginity to a Spanish mother while abroad, and developing what is the best wooden block app on the market. "FakeBlock" started out as a small idea, a musical block app, but, after a white lie and a series of misunderstandings, everyone believed it to be a revolutionary anti-social network app. Though it was all a misunderstanding that got out of control, Netflix did make the app to promote the new season.

 There's always money in a banana stand

As Mr. Manager, George Michael has a lot of pressure on him. On his first day as Mr. Manager, Maeby thinks the whole, "take a dollar, take a banana and eat it" system works well until George Michael realizes they actually have to pay for the bananas they sell. George Michael isn't the only one we can learn from. His father, Michael, learned the hard way that there's always money in a banana stand when he burns it down, only to discover there was $250,000 hidden in the walls.

Bluth Life Lessons:

There is no right way to dance like a chicken 

Everyone thinks that they have the perfect chicken dance. But which way is best? The Bluth family has some very strong opinions.

Family comes first 

Throughout the series, George Michael learns that no matter how dysfunctional your family is, they're always there to fall back on. Even if they were the ones who fucked up the situation in the first place. No matter how many times you try to leave them, you can't escape them. The family that burns evidence together, stays together.

                       

 

15 Feb
2017

(Puff Puff) Pass the Bill

Marijuana4crack

February is National Marijuana Awareness Month, though I'm sure if you're reading this blog, you're probably very aware of that, or you forgot, and that's cool too, because like, not every one is perfect, man. This funky smelling, seed bearing plant has its roots planted deep in American history, culture, and has sprouted in the medical field in recent years.

With all these "alternative facts" getting passed around like a joint at a Snoop Dogg concert, it's hard to filter out the the primo stuff from the schwag. The history of Marijuana is long and well documented, and if you'd like to learn about that, you can here, but we're focusing on modern times.

imageEveryone knows about marijuana, I don't think it needs an introduction. What I think it needs is a re-branding. Marijuana isn't just a plant that makes you sit at stop signs waiting for them to turn green. While I'm not one to claim pot is the end all, be all savior we need (but do deserve), there is no denying that marijuana has plenty of uses that we're not utilizing simply because of outdated laws, for-profit prisons, and legislators in bed with pharmaceutical companies.

This country cannot move forward with changing the laws regarding the plant if the people are not properly informed. The laws do not represent the public opinion. Sixty percent of Americans are in favor of legalization.

Currently, marijuana is classified as a Schedule One drug, defining it as "a drug that currently has no accepted medical use." Other Schedule One drugs include heroin, LSD, ecstasy, and peyote. There is an argument for each of those having some medical use. Hell, heroin was the name Bayer used to sell their morphine concoction under. But one of these things is not like the others. Marijuana has no confirmed overdose deaths in the history of humans, marijuana is not chemically addictive, and, most important, marijuana is the only schedule one drug currently legal for recreational use in nine states and medical use in twenty eight states.

you-feel-it-i-feel-it

We all know about the stereotypical stoner: Forgetful, long hair, red eyes, constantly hungry...so Shaggy from Scooby Doo?  Come to think of it, the smoke was always coming from the back windows and not the muffler... but I digress. Marijuana use among adults has risen in the past few years from seven percent in 2013 to thirteen percent in 2016, that's one in eight American adults. Look around the office you work in, there are most likely a few smokers working hard just like everyone else. And if you work in the food industry, all your co-workers are stoned. Your TPS reports still get done, and your pizza is still delicious, though it would taste even better high.

Not everyone who uses marijuana is a recreational user either, there are over 1.2 million medical marijuana users in America, averaging about 8.6 per 1,000 residents. My mother was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer, she has been through radiation, chemo, morphine pumps, and hospice care. Nothing has been able to curb her spirit, but most of these medications do curb her appetite. She was never a heavy pot smoker, the occasional joint with friends was about as much as she could take. One night, I got tired of her saying she wasn't hungry, so I asked if she'd smoke. She agreed and, it only took a few puffs for her to look at me with the goofiest expression I've ever seen, and cackle, "I want some fucking Wendy's."image

Dave Chappelle, star of the cult hit "Half Baked" and legendary stand up comedian has a famous bit that goes along the lines of, and I"m paraphrasing here, "When white people get high, all they do is sit around and talk about other times they got high." As true as that may be, if we want change, we need to act like adults and support the causes, talk to legislators, get the right information out there. The Pittsburgh chapter of NORML is a great website to get started. They organize functions, raise awareness, and you can register to vote on their site. Medical Marijuana and decriminalization have both been passed in our Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, though the struggle for full legalization rages. Now, I'm not saying to start making signs and chanting, that isn't going to help anything. Use your brain, don't let let marijuana define who you are.

5 Feb
2017

Superb Owl

Are you still salty about the New England Patriots beating the Steelers and making their ninth Superbowl appearance? Nothing sucks as much as watching your team get bested by a bunch of dirty, cheating pretty boys, coached by the most repulsive man on this planet. So what better way to help heal the wound by being a sore loser and making fun of the Patriots! Here's my top ten list of why you should hate the Pats:

 

  1. TOM BRADY/Bill Belichick Both Left Pregnant Woman, For A Younger One

Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen have been together since 2007, but are you aware of Bridget Moynahan? Brady left her for Gisele when she was more than three months pregnant with his child. Gisele is also nine years younger than Bridget. It goes to show you that the man has commitment issues. It's no wonder why him and Belichick get along so well, Bill also left his wife and high school sweetheart Debby Clarke while she was pregnant with their third child together for his now girlfriend Linda Holiday.

2. Robert Kraft Gave a Superbowl Ring to Putin

Ok, while he technically didn't give him a ring, it's still questionable why the owner of a sports team would want to meet the Russian President. While on a "business trip" Kraft was introduced to Putin, to whom Kraft showed his superbowl ring. Apparently, Putin tried it on and never gave it back. Just knowing that Vladimir Putin is a fan of the Patriots, one can only speculate the shady deals Kraft and him have done over the years.

3.  Deflategate

Now this one is really the only unbiased reason I have on this list. In May of 2015, the NFL began their investigation into the claims that the patriots were tampering with their footballs; deflating their balls to make it easier to grip and throw during the AFC championship game against the Colts. How could America's team be cheaters? Have they no morals, have they no shame?

The bottom line is, they cheated, they knew about it, regardless of what they say. The Golden Boy himself was in hot water, though only being charged a measly four game suspension. This wasn't the first time the Pats were caught though...

4. Spygate

If deflating footballs gets you all worked up, you probably forgot when the Patriots were caught taping the New York Jet's defensive coaches' signals during a 2007 game. Taping coaches isn't against the rules if done from designated areas, but the Pats were filming from their own sideline, which is not allowed. Belichick was fined 500k for this, the team itself was fined 250k and their first round draft pick in the 2008 draft. It came out later that they were taping the St. Louis Rams practice before the Superbowl in 2002 as well. Caught cheating twice, but they must have an excellent PR team, because Pats nation is as strong as ever. (Sounds familiar...)

5. Any Fan 23 and under only knows winning

Don't you just hate people that win everything? But don't you hate it more when those people weren't there from the beginning? Welcome to Patriots Nation. The epicenter for bandwagon fans. A fun fact, if you're 23 and under, you've only witnessed seasons with at least 11 wins. They've never really had much to complain about. No young Patriots fan is even remotely humble about winning, and if you bring up cheating, they turn into a little kid covering their ears and eyes, blind and deaf to the truth.

6. Week 17 2000 was the last time they played a game already eliminated from playoff contention

Stats like this just rip people's hearts out when they read them. Lions fans have witnessed a winless season, Jets fans have suffered from mediocrity, and Rams fans have watched their team pack up and move. But for the past seventeen years, Patriots fans have had the hope of making it to the playoffs. They can't relate to any other team or fan, they just live in this little fantasy world where they never lose, and that's why Pat fans are just so insufferable.

7. Aaron Hernandez

A local boy from my home state of Connecticut, ended up playing tight end for the Pats in 2010. In 2013 he was arrested for the murder of semi pro football player Odin Lloyd. He was released from the team, found guilty of the crime, and sentenced to life in prison without parole. He was also indicted for the double murder of Daniel de Abreu and Safiro Furtado.  I know the Pats really can't control these terrible things, but it just throws fuel on the fire. It leaves a stain on their reputation.

8. Why does Belichick cut the sleeves off his shirts?

This one is purely a matter of taste. Is it for movement? Style? Does he need to air his pits out constantly? Whatever the reason, I think it's the stupidest thing in football and I will make fun of him for it until the day he retires.

9. Fans just suck

Patriot's fans are simply the worst fans in all of sports. They're loud, rude, entitled, bandwagon-y jerks. I have yet to meet a fan I get along with. 

 

 

 

10. GRONK

TE Rob Gronkoski is the quintessential douche bag. He's dumb, he will sleep with your girlfriend in a heartbeat, and he's admittedly pretty good at what he does. Nobody likes that type of person.

 

 

 

 

 

 

There are plenty more as to why you can hate the Patriots, but hopefully this give you some motivation.