Articles by " Dale Wayton"
15 Apr
2017

This Post Sucks

There are a lot of things that suck: Tax­es, vac­u­ums, and pay­ing cov­er fees, just to name a few. Or, if you have the men­tal­i­ty of a thir­teen-year-old boy, pret­ty much every­thing sucks.

Well, April 15th is Nation­al That Sucks Day. It’s the day to let the world know just what you think real­ly sucks. Sucky exes, sucky group projects, sucky knock­off brand prod­ucts. But to put your own sucky expe­ri­ences into per­spec­tive, it might be good to know some of the things that have actu­al­ly hap­pened on That Sucks Day. His­tor­i­cal­ly, Fri­day the 13th real­ly has noth­ing on That Sucks Day.

  1. Tax Day. Yes, this year’s tax day is actu­al­ly April 18 since April 15 is a Sat­ur­day, but while tax returns can be fun, and some tax­es go to real­ly great stuff, in gen­er­al, tax day just caus­es a lot of headaches and frus­tra­tion.
  2. Pres­i­dent Abra­ham Lincoln’s Death. Hon­est Abe was pro­nounced dead at 7:22 a.m. on April 15, 1865, the morn­ing after being shot by John Wilkes Booth at Ford’s The­ater. He was the first pres­i­dent to ever be assas­si­nat­ed. Co-con­spir­a­tors failed to assas­si­nate Vice Pres­i­dent Andrew John­son and Sec­re­tary of State William H. Seward, so I guess that sucks a lit­tle less.
  3. HMS Titan­ic sinks. The leg­endary “unsink­able” ship hit an ice­berg a lit­tle before mid­night on April 14 (per­haps also one of the suck­ier days in his­to­ry). The ocean lin­er, car­ry­ing about 2,200 peo­ple, took two and a half hours to sink, mak­ing its offi­cial sink day April 15, 1912. It was on its very first jour­ney.
  4. Most peo­ple read­ing this will also remem­ber the Boston Bomb­ing, on this day in 2013.

The thing is, even sucky days can’t suck all the time, right? Plen­ty of good stuff has hap­pened on April 15, too. Now that I’ve got­ten you a bit down, let me prop you back up with some not-so-sucky things about April 15 his­to­ry:

  1. Jack­ie Robin­son, 28, takes the field for the Brook­lyn Dodgers on this day in 1947. 42 forever.
  2. The first bot­tle open­er is invent­ed in 1738 (to help us get through those That Sucks Days).
  3. In 1923, insulin becomes gen­er­al­ly avail­able to the pub­lic, which is def­i­nite­ly a good thing.
  4. Rand McNal­ly pub­lish­es its first road atlas in 1924, launch­ing the dreams of road trip­pers every­where.
  5. William Shat­ner, Leon­dard Nimoy, and DeFor­est Kel­ley are induct­ed into Nation­al Asso­ci­a­tion of Broad­cast­ers Hall of Fame in 1992, for their work on the ground­break­ing series, Star Trek.

So there you go. That Sucks Day is a day to com­mis­er­ate about all the sucky things in the world, but also a day to remem­ber that may­be every­thing doesn’t suck quite as bad as it seems.

Here’s hop­ing your That Sucks Day doesn’t suck.

15 Mar
2017

Straighten Up, Richard!

March 15 is Nation­al Penis Day, and let me be the first to tell you, this hol­i­day will grow on you. Both men and wom­en can take time out of their busy sched­ule to appre­ci­ate this above-aver­age day. Men around the world need not hide their man­hood; today is a day of reflec­tion, spec­u­la­tion, and bask­ing in the glo­ry that is your penis. You think with it, you show affec­tion with it, and some­times, if the time is right, you put it in a fresh apple pie.

Your penis deserves to have its veil pulled back and shown what it has accom­plished.  Your penis’s great­est accom­plish­ment is prob­a­bly not get­ting hard when your cute co-work­er dressed up as Hermione for the Hal­loween par­ty, but there have also been penis­es made famous in movies, TV, and even had molds cast of them, pre­serv­ing them forever. Bet you feel pret­ty inad­e­quate.

The cin­e­ma: a won­der­ful world of cul­ture, action, and sym­bol­ism. Where any­thing can be con­sid­ered “art” if you say it is. Some con­sid­er art beau­ti­ful cin­e­matog­ra­phy, oth­ers how well the movie is edit­ed, or the col­or palet­te. But some of the most artis­tic cin­e­mat­ic moments are when an actor hangs dong. Take the clas­sic movie Boo­gie Nights. Mark Wahlberg expos­es what is now known to be a pros­thet­ic penis, but still shocked audi­ences, nonethe­less. And who could for­get when Hodor from HBO’s Game of Thrones let it all hang out, show­ing us the baby arm he’s been hid­ing.  Though this is my per­son­al favorite penis scene in a movie [NSFW].

Now how awe­some would it be if your John­son was cast in plas­ter for every­one to ogle over? Pret­ty frig­gin’ sweet if you ask me. Most of us won’t be so lucky, though, unless you were a rock star in the 60’s and 70’s. If you hap­pen to fall into the lat­ter cat­e­go­ry, there’s a good chance Cyn­thia Plas­ter Cast­er took a mold of your naughty bits. She is a groupie turned artist, tak­ing plas­ter molds of every rock star she came across, most notably Jimi Hen­drix. I can­not think of a bet­ter way I’d want my guy remem­bered; I just hope the plas­ter isn’t too cold.

So, let’s say for your fam­i­ly vaca­tion you want to go some­where that will impress Craig in HR, because his fam­i­ly just went to Den­mark and he won’t shut up about how great it was. You look on Kayak and see flights to Ice­land are pret­ty cheap. You arrive in Reyk­javik, only to have your fam­i­ly com­plain the whole time how cold it is, that the food is weird, and how much longer is this hike? Bunch of ungrate­ful brats. You storm off in a huff and decide to make your own adven­ture in Ice­land. After some brews at one of the many bars in town you stum­ble around until you see a build­ing that catch­es your eye. As you get closer, yes, it does say that. You have found The Ice­landic Phal­lo­log­i­cal Muse­um.

This muse­um has over 200 dif­fer­ent penis­es from land and sea mam­mals that inhab­it Ice­land. I’m not sure you can get any more appre­cia­tive of the penis. The wild world of ani­mal penis­es will tru­ly make you stand back and mar­vel at what Moth­er Nature has given the world to cre­ate with. Though the col­lec­tion was miss­ing a human penis, the founder of the muse­um was deter­mined to find one. I will not go into that sto­ry, though, because there is already a doc­u­men­tary about it called The Final Mem­ber, which chron­i­cles the strange sto­ry of how a human penis end­ed up in the muse­um.

Today is a day to rise up, let it all hang out, and pull out all the stops. There is some­thing pure, uncut about Nation­al Penis Day. It’s like look­ing into your Long John Sil­vers bag and see­ing they gave you extra crab cakes. It’s just a sil­ly lit­tle hol­i­day that has grown into some­thing that all peo­ple can appre­ci­ate, for about sev­en min­utes, may­be ten if you’re lucky. So men, pull out those nut-hug­ger jeans, wear sweat­pants with no under­wear, or put your penis in the fridge for a lit­tle just to see what hap­pens. Enjoy the day, it only comes once a year.

 

3 Mar
2017

I Think I Blue This Post

Life is hard. You’re thrown into this world with no choice of what your name is, who your fam­i­ly is, or who you’re attract­ed to. For George Michael Bluth, none of those things end­ed up in his favor. But every day he man­ages to get out of bed with a pos­i­tive atti­tude. We can all learn a thing from George Michael, and thank God he’s teach­ing us, or else we’d all be get­ting scared straight by a man with one arm. In hon­or of George Michael’s Birth­day on March 3, here are some help­ful tips on rela­tion­ships, busi­ness, and fam­i­ly.

Relationships 101:

Nev­er fall in love with your cous­in

George Michael has dealt with con­flict­ing emo­tions about his cous­in, Mae­by, since the show’s pilot episode. They shared a kiss, and it sent shiv­ers down his once inno­cent spine. His love for her grows over the course of the show, though he’s obvi­ous­ly trou­bled by the nature of this. It is hint­ed that they aren’t bio­log­i­cal­ly relat­ed, but they only find out the truth—Maeby’s moth­er is adopted—after they get to sec­ond base. Ouch.

                         Date some­one mem­o­rable

Business Tips:

Find a void and fill it

George Michael has always been a good stu­dent. In col­lege, he real­ly came into his own, los­ing his vir­gin­i­ty to a Span­ish moth­er while abroad, and devel­op­ing what is the best wood­en block app on the mar­ket. “Fake­Block” start­ed out as a small idea, a musi­cal block app, but, after a white lie and a series of mis­un­der­stand­ings, every­one believed it to be a rev­o­lu­tion­ary anti-social net­work app. Though it was all a mis­un­der­stand­ing that got out of con­trol, Net­flix did make the app to pro­mote the new sea­son.

 There’s always mon­ey in a banana stand 

As Mr. Man­ager, George Michael has a lot of pres­sure on him. On his first day as Mr. Man­ager, Mae­by thinks the whole, “take a dol­lar, take a banana and eat it” sys­tem works well until George Michael real­izes they actu­al­ly have to pay for the bananas they sell. George Michael isn’t the only one we can learn from. His father, Michael, learned the hard way that there’s always mon­ey in a banana stand when he burns it down, only to dis­cov­er there was $250,000 hid­den in the walls.

Bluth Life Lessons:

There is no right way to dance like a chick­en 

Every­one thinks that they have the per­fect chick­en dance. But which way is best? The Bluth fam­i­ly has some very strong opin­ions.

Fam­i­ly comes first 

Through­out the series, George Michael learns that no mat­ter how dys­func­tion­al your fam­i­ly is, they’re always there to fall back on. Even if they were the ones who fucked up the sit­u­a­tion in the first place. No mat­ter how many times you try to leave them, you can’t escape them. The fam­i­ly that burns evi­dence togeth­er, stays togeth­er.

                       

 

15 Feb
2017

(Puff Puff) Pass the Bill

Marijuana4crack

Feb­ru­ary is Nation­al Mar­i­jua­na Aware­ness Mon­th, though I’m sure if you’re read­ing this blog, you’re prob­a­bly very aware of that, or you for­got, and that’s cool too, because like, not every one is per­fect, man. This funky smelling, seed bear­ing plant has its roots plant­ed deep in Amer­i­can his­to­ry, cul­ture, and has sprout­ed in the med­ical field in recent years.

With all the­se “alter­na­tive facts” get­ting passed around like a joint at a Snoop Dogg con­cert, it’s hard to fil­ter out the the pri­mo stuff from the schwag. The his­to­ry of Mar­i­jua­na is long and well doc­u­ment­ed, and if you’d like to learn about that, you can here, but we’re focus­ing on mod­ern times.

imageEvery­one knows about mar­i­jua­na, I don’t think it needs an intro­duc­tion. What I think it needs is a re-brand­ing. Mar­i­jua­na isn’t just a plant that makes you sit at stop signs wait­ing for them to turn green. While I’m not one to claim pot is the end all, be all sav­ior we need (but do deserve), there is no deny­ing that mar­i­jua­na has plen­ty of uses that we’re not uti­liz­ing sim­ply because of out­dat­ed laws, for-prof­it pris­ons, and leg­is­la­tors in bed with phar­ma­ceu­ti­cal com­pa­nies.

This coun­try can­not move for­ward with chang­ing the laws regard­ing the plant if the peo­ple are not prop­er­ly informed. The laws do not rep­re­sent the pub­lic opin­ion. Six­ty per­cent of Amer­i­cans are in favor of legal­iza­tion.

Cur­rent­ly, mar­i­jua­na is clas­si­fied as a Sched­ule One drug, defin­ing it as “a drug that cur­rent­ly has no accept­ed med­ical use.” Oth­er Sched­ule One drugs include hero­in, LSD, ecsta­sy, and pey­ote. There is an argu­ment for each of those hav­ing some med­ical use. Hell, hero­in was the name Bay­er used to sell their mor­phine con­coc­tion under. But one of the­se things is not like the oth­ers. Mar­i­jua­na has no con­firmed over­dose deaths in the his­to­ry of humans, mar­i­jua­na is not chem­i­cal­ly addic­tive, and, most impor­tant, mar­i­jua­na is the only sched­ule one drug cur­rent­ly legal for recre­ation­al use in nine states and med­ical use in twen­ty eight states.

you-feel-it-i-feel-it

We all know about the stereo­typ­i­cal ston­er: For­get­ful, long hair, red eyes, con­stant­ly hungry…so Shag­gy from Scooby Doo?  Come to think of it, the smoke was always com­ing from the back win­dows and not the muf­fler… but I digress. Mar­i­jua­na use among adults has risen in the past few years from sev­en per­cent in 2013 to thir­teen per­cent in 2016, that’s one in eight Amer­i­can adults. Look around the office you work in, there are most like­ly a few smok­ers work­ing hard just like every­one else. And if you work in the food indus­try, all your co-work­ers are stoned. Your TPS reports still get done, and your piz­za is still deli­cious, though it would taste even bet­ter high.

Not every­one who uses mar­i­jua­na is a recre­ation­al user either, there are over 1.2 mil­lion med­ical mar­i­jua­na users in Amer­i­ca, aver­ag­ing about 8.6 per 1,000 res­i­dents. My moth­er was diag­nosed with stage four breast can­cer, she has been through radi­a­tion, chemo, mor­phine pumps, and hos­pice care. Noth­ing has been able to curb her spir­it, but most of the­se med­ica­tions do curb her appetite. She was nev­er a heavy pot smok­er, the occa­sion­al joint with friends was about as much as she could take. One night, I got tired of her say­ing she wasn’t hun­gry, so I asked if she’d smoke. She agreed and, it only took a few puffs for her to look at me with the goofi­est expres­sion I’ve ever seen, and cack­le, “I want some fuck­ing Wendy’s.”image

Dave Chap­pelle, star of the cult hit “Half Baked” and leg­endary stand up come­di­an has a famous bit that goes along the lines of, and I“m para­phras­ing here, “When white peo­ple get high, all they do is sit around and talk about oth­er times they got high.” As true as that may be, if we want change, we need to act like adults and sup­port the caus­es, talk to leg­is­la­tors, get the right infor­ma­tion out there. The Pitts­burgh chap­ter of NORML is a great web­site to get start­ed. They orga­nize func­tions, raise aware­ness, and you can reg­is­ter to vote on their site. Med­ical Mar­i­jua­na and decrim­i­nal­iza­tion have both been passed in our Com­mon­wealth of Penn­syl­va­nia, though the strug­gle for full legal­iza­tion rages. Now, I’m not say­ing to start mak­ing signs and chant­i­ng, that isn’t going to help any­thing. Use your brain, don’t let let mar­i­jua­na define who you are.

5 Feb
2017

Superb Owl

Are you still salty about the New Eng­land Patri­ots beat­ing the Steel­ers and mak­ing their ninth Super­bowl appear­ance? Noth­ing sucks as much as watch­ing your team get best­ed by a bunch of dirty, cheat­ing pret­ty boys, coached by the most repul­sive man on this plan­et. So what bet­ter way to help heal the wound by being a sore loser and mak­ing fun of the Patri­ots! Here’s my top ten list of why you should hate the Pats:

 

  1. TOM BRADY/Bill Belichick Both Left Preg­nant Wom­an, For A Younger One

Tom Brady and Gise­le Bund­chen have been togeth­er since 2007, but are you aware of Brid­get Moy­na­han? Brady left her for Gise­le when she was more than three months preg­nant with his child. Gise­le is also nine years younger than Brid­get. It goes to show you that the man has com­mit­ment issues. It’s no won­der why him and Belichick get along so well, Bill also left his wife and high school sweet­heart Deb­by Clarke while she was preg­nant with their third child togeth­er for his now girl­friend Lin­da Hol­i­day.

2. Robert Kraft Gave a Super­bowl Ring to Putin

Ok, while he tech­ni­cal­ly didn’t give him a ring, it’s still ques­tion­able why the own­er of a sports team would want to meet the Rus­sian Pres­i­dent. While on a “busi­ness trip” Kraft was intro­duced to Putin, to whom Kraft showed his super­bowl ring. Appar­ent­ly, Putin tried it on and nev­er gave it back. Just know­ing that Vladimir Putin is a fan of the Patri­ots, one can only spec­u­late the shady deals Kraft and him have done over the years.

3.  Deflate­gate

Now this one is real­ly the only unbi­ased rea­son I have on this list. In May of 2015, the NFL began their inves­ti­ga­tion into the claims that the patri­ots were tam­per­ing with their foot­balls; deflat­ing their balls to make it eas­ier to grip and throw dur­ing the AFC cham­pi­onship game again­st the Colts. How could America’s team be cheaters? Have they no morals, have they no shame?

The bot­tom line is, they cheat­ed, they knew about it, regard­less of what they say. The Gold­en Boy him­self was in hot water, though only being charged a measly four game sus­pen­sion. This wasn’t the first time the Pats were caught though…

4. Spy­gate

If deflat­ing foot­balls gets you all worked up, you prob­a­bly for­got when the Patri­ots were caught tap­ing the New York Jet’s defen­sive coach­es’ sig­nals dur­ing a 2007 game. Tap­ing coach­es isn’t again­st the rules if done from des­ig­nat­ed areas, but the Pats were film­ing from their own side­line, which is not allowed. Belichick was fined 500k for this, the team itself was fined 250k and their first round draft pick in the 2008 draft. It came out lat­er that they were tap­ing the St. Louis Rams prac­tice before the Super­bowl in 2002 as well. Caught cheat­ing twice, but they must have an excel­lent PR team, because Pats nation is as strong as ever. (Sounds famil­iar…)

5. Any Fan 23 and under only knows win­ning

Don’t you just hate peo­ple that win every­thing? But don’t you hate it more when those peo­ple weren’t there from the begin­ning? Wel­come to Patri­ots Nation. The epi­cen­ter for band­wag­on fans. A fun fact, if you’re 23 and under, you’ve only wit­nessed sea­sons with at least 11 wins. They’ve nev­er real­ly had much to com­plain about. No young Patri­ots fan is even remote­ly hum­ble about win­ning, and if you bring up cheat­ing, they turn into a lit­tle kid cov­er­ing their ears and eyes, blind and deaf to the truth.

6. Week 17 2000 was the last time they played a game already elim­i­nat­ed from play­off con­tention

Stats like this just rip people’s hearts out when they read them. Lions fans have wit­nessed a win­less sea­son, Jets fans have suf­fered from medi­oc­rity, and Rams fans have watched their team pack up and move. But for the past sev­en­teen years, Patri­ots fans have had the hope of mak­ing it to the play­offs. They can’t relate to any oth­er team or fan, they just live in this lit­tle fan­ta­sy world where they nev­er lose, and that’s why Pat fans are just so insuf­fer­able.

7. Aaron Her­nan­dez

A local boy from my home state of Con­necti­cut, end­ed up play­ing tight end for the Pats in 2010. In 2013 he was arrest­ed for the mur­der of semi pro foot­ball play­er Odin Lloyd. He was released from the team, found guilty of the crime, and sen­tenced to life in pris­on with­out parole. He was also indict­ed for the dou­ble mur­der of Daniel de Abreu and Safiro Fur­ta­do.  I know the Pats real­ly can’t con­trol the­se ter­ri­ble things, but it just throws fuel on the fire. It leaves a stain on their rep­u­ta­tion.

8. Why does Belichick cut the sleeves off his shirts?

This one is pure­ly a mat­ter of taste. Is it for move­ment? Style? Does he need to air his pits out con­stant­ly? What­ev­er the rea­son, I think it’s the stu­pid­est thing in foot­ball and I will make fun of him for it until the day he retires.

9. Fans just suck

Patriot’s fans are sim­ply the worst fans in all of sports. They’re loud, rude, enti­tled, band­wag­on-y jerks. I have yet to meet a fan I get along with. 

 

 

 

10. GRONK

TE Rob Gronkoski is the quin­tes­sen­tial douche bag. He’s dumb, he will sleep with your girl­friend in a heart­beat, and he’s admit­ted­ly pret­ty good at what he does. Nobody likes that type of per­son.

 

 

 

 

 

 

There are plen­ty more as to why you can hate the Patri­ots, but hope­ful­ly this give you some moti­va­tion.