Articles by " Dane"
5 Apr
2014

Robotics Week X Gundam Love

that's the stuff

Ya that's the stuff

You can worry about the zombie apocalypse all you want.  It's not going to happen though. But now that robopocalypse. That's very possible. And that should scare the shit out of you! Robotics week is April 5 - 13th in 2014, and while I may be entirely convinced that the robot uprising will be very real, swift and calculated, I still LOVE robots. So instead let's talk about the fun kind of robots. And by that I mean the ever amazing robotery of Gundam. If you want to talk about Gundam, I'll talk to you about Gundam. For a period of time that will make you uncomfortable and make my mouth dry.

MSA-0011S

Urggghhh robots in space.

These are the kind of robots with no AI, so there's no worry of overthrow. You have to pilot them. The fear then becomes global war with the advent of the greatest and most powerful piece of military destructive force ever developed. Different fears, but I'll take this over robopocalypse any day. In fact I'm hoping for it. I have dreams of piloting giant robots. The day the military comes out and says they have a new robot you can pilot is the day I enlist. TEN-HUT!

one of the best animated robo fights ever.

one of the best animated robo fights ever.

if you don't get how great this is we're done.

if you don't get how great this is we're done.

While a few of the Gundam series are made for kids, most are for adults. Full of political intrigue and the horrors of war. What I love most about it (aside from intense robo-action) is that it is sci-fi in a far-off future full of real human conflict. It's people fighting against people. Not aliens or monsters. And don't get me wrong those are great too, but I'm far more interested in seeing the humanity of both sides of the conflict. And of course this is perfect for tropes like "Oh no I fell in love with you but we're on different sidessssszzzzzz!" They can play that one out a million times and I'll keep watching it.

A war between Earth and Space can't keep us apart.

A war between Earth and Space can't keep us apart!

Now back to the robotics of Gundam. The original designs were innovative and ahead of their time. As the universe expanded, though, the designs became more and more complex, incredibly detailed and thought-out. It got to the point where real-world mechanics were being applied in addition to sci-fi mechanics. Then at some point they figured out how much it would cost to actually make one in Japan.

worth every penny.

worth every penny.

And that is just materials. Clearly not gonna happen. Totally impractical given the physical restrictions of something that big existing. So for now my dreams of being  a Gundam pilot will have to remain dreams. I'll just settle for going to see the life-size version that doesn't work. I'm still fine with that.

i secretly think it works.

(i secretly think it works.)

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2 Apr
2014

Peanut Butter and Jelly Day, how my tummy has longed for you.

 

Sandwch King. At least to toddlers.

Sandwch King. At least to toddlers.

So Peanut Butter and Jelly Day is a thing. And it's April 2nd every year. If you didn't know that I'm sorry about your life up until this point. But you may start living now with the knowledge that the world's love for peanut butter and jelly merits celebration.

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What time is it?

Now PB & J has been a favorite sandwich for most of us since we were kids. If you're not one of those people, what kind of monster are you? Regardless bread, jelly and peanut butter are a timeless classic. So of course let's take it and bastardize it into some crazy (and awesome) alternate incarnations. Recipes included (though, ya know, they're still PB & J.) Ready go.

Right off the bat, PB & J Pizza:

by your powers combined...

by your powers combined...

Sweet dessert pizzas are hit and miss but you can bet on this one being tasty. This recipe is pretty obvious, but if your feeling real crazy try making the crust out of sugar cookie dough.

Next, PB & J Sushi:

Dawwwwwwww

Dawwwwwwww

Huge waste of time you say? Well maybe but they are really adorable. And personally I like to eat as much of my food as I can with chopsticks, and sandwiches aren't easy. Check them out here (be careful, they're tricky.)

Alright let's get weird. Spicy Peanut Butter and Pepper Jelly Wings:

Warning: do not ingest if allergic to awesome

Warning: do not ingest if allergic to awesome

So it's cheating a little bit, turning a sweet into entirely savory. Still an interesting (and tasty) eating experience to be sure. But dig on this. You're a CoolGuy right? Why not just go all out in the name of PB & J Day and make the wings full on sweet? Nix the chili flakes, pepper, sriracha, and probs the soy sauce. Replace the pepper jelly with strawberry and keep the peanut butter it's regular sweet and saltyness. You could even use a Thai style peanut sauce. Mmmm I think we're onto something.

And for drunk, PB & J Shots:

 

peanut_butter_and_jelly_shot

Drink your calories like an adult.

Like I would leave out an alcohol recipe. Pfft. Really simple and while it's made with hazelnut, I promise you will taste PB & J.

Hopefully that whets your appetite for the timeless classic and prepares you for proper celebration and admiration. Here's a cute little graphic (which I sadly did not make) with a few more ideas for PB & J extended enjoyment. Also have you tried one with pickles? Don't knock it.With all these ideas you could eat PB & J a different way for a while. Have I said PB & J enough? Answer is no. PB & J. Good day.

peanut-butter-and-jelly-other-ways-to-enjoy-it_5242cb3e60aec

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30 Mar
2014

Pencil Day is Back Again! I missed you friend.

Well March 30th finally returns to us. It seems like it's been a year. But really it's only been 12 months. With the 30th, though, finally comes Pencil Day! Arguably the most important holiday of the year. You can't convince me otherwise.

Well worn. Well loved.

Well worn. Well loved.

This is the day in 1858 that the patent was filed for the modern pencil (the one with an eraser attached to it.) Can you imagine where we would be today without that monumental invention? We'd definitely be wasting a lot of time setting our pencil down to pick up an eraser. Like idiots. But lucky for us it's attached. No worries. Where would Standardized testing and Scantrons be? S.O.L. that's for sure. Without the No. 2 pencil somebody would have to check those answers manually. Unacceptable. Most importantly it would slow down my drawing process! That is not cool. So in honor of pencil day here's a little mini-art-dump of strange drawings from my work sketchbook. Enjoys.

IMG_2013.JPG-2IMG_2012.JPG IMG_2014.JPG IMG_2009.JPG IMG_2007.JPG IMG_2006.JPG

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11 Mar
2014

Take the Red Pill. Get ready for Neo’s Birthday.

Let me first say that the original Matrix was absolutely fantastic. It was a movie that completely defined the action and sci-fi genre for the next decade and became one of the single most influential movies of the 90's. Think how many parodies of specific scenes and lines you've seen/heard. And then there were sequels. Eh. Whatevs. At least the action remained sweet.

I'm gonna pretend I realized that before I saw this

I'm gonna pretend I realized that before I saw this

Anyway Neo is a straight up badass and his birthday is March 11th (according to his record Agent Smith has.You can see it if you look real close.)

Neo-factsheet

He is the ultimate definition of 90's coolness. You can't tell me that after you saw the Matrix that you didn't think "I would look cool in a trench coat." While you were definitely wrong, we all thought it. Neo totally pulled it off though. And those sunglasses? Psh. Make all the ladies swoon.

Badass when he does it.

Badass when he does it.

not when you do it.

not when you do it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let's also not forget that Neo is a baller hacker that deals software on zip disks like they're drugs (inexplicably) from his apartment. This might not make ANY sense, but looks so sweet when he does it. And that is before we even get into the story. Then he's like "Oh ya that's right I'm gonna spend this whole movie becoming more and MORE badass. Here we go." Remember that one part?

he says he knows kung fu.

he says he knows kung fu

and then he totally does.

and then he totally does.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And then later

 

he kills like a million dudes and does sweet flip at the same time

he kills like a million dudes and does sweet flip at the same time

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And then

 

he tots just dodges those bullets

he tots just dodges those bullets

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And then you think he's gonna die and

 

he's all like naw way

he's all like naw way

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And finally at the end

he just super mans away

he just super mans away

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh ya. That's the stuff.

 

smoking,alone,bed,smoke,woman,smoking,sexy-886123894477bcf62f8f4ed2ee2d7c9a_h_large

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10 Mar
2014

March 10th is Mario Day. Let’s Grab Some Mushrooms.

mario2

March 10 is Mario Day. Mar. 10. Mar10. Mario. See what they did there? It's simply a day to celebrate one of the games that really brought gaming into the mainstream. Shigeru Miyamoto created Mario for the original Donkey Kong game in 1981. This first Mario was supposed to be a carpenter instead of a plumber. As of this writing Mario has appeared in over 190 or so games. At least. For real. No joke. That's enough history. Some of the best games of my past featured our star: Super Mario Bros. 3, Mario RPG, Mario 64, Super Smash Bros., Mario Sunshine, Mariokart. The list goes on. We're plenty familiar with his quality appearances, so let's talk about the not-so-great features.

I want this to be like 'The One' with Jet Li

I want this to be like 'The One' with Jet Li

Super Mario Bros. 2. Umm no. This bastard child of the classic platformer iterations of Mario basically took everything that was cool and fun about Mario and threw it away. Why the hell did you have to throw radishes at the enemies? Why?

No. Stop.

No. Stop.

Hotel Mario. There's a good chance this was not one you've played. I hadn't either. It was made for the Phillips CD-I console (right?) and is considered to be the absolute worst Mario game ever across the board. Some strange puzzle game with awful graphics, weird cut-scenes and Bowser... bread? Please watch the collection of cutscenes.

"You know what they say. All toasters toast toast."

Mario Teaches Typing. That's literally all I'm going to say about that.

Based on those WPMs and errors this game is not working.

Based on those WPMs and errors this game is not working.

Mario Clash. This was a game that I can only hope you didn't play as it was made for the Nintendo Virtual Boy. That was the one that had goggles and attempted to create "3-D" games. All it really accomplished was making the player nauseated with terrible eye-pain and sides of headaches. I will also lump in Mario Tennis for the Virtual Boy here as well. It was just as good.

Imagine this strapped to your face like a torture device and you trying to make sense of that depth of field.

Imagine this strapped to your face like a torture device and you trying to make sense of that depth of field.

And finally, Super Mario Bros. the Movie. Now you might think that this was a good idea. If you do you're an idiot. I won't pretend that I didn't enjoy the crap out of this when I was about 8. But ya know, I was 8. So I was also an idiot. The cast includes Bob Hoskins plaing Mario,John Leguizamo playing Luigi, and Dennis Hopper playing King Koopa (aka Bowser.) The plot is ridiculous and barely references the game in any way. I'm pretty sure whoever wrote the script had never actually played the game, but had it described to them in vague concept by somebody translating the idea from Japanese. In an answering machine message that was deleted after the first listen through. All that said, if you haven't seen it you should do yourself a favor, find it on VHS, and grab a box of wine. That should pair well.

Oh.

Oh.

Yes.

Yes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now don't get me wrong, there are plenty of other awful Mario gems out there. Mario's Early Years Pre-School Fun, Mario Teaches Typing 2 (they did it twice), Mario Game Gallery, Mario is Missing!, Mario's Time Machine, about half of the Mario Party games, and other spin-offs and cameos to boot. But I at least wanted to bring up a few stand-out faves. Now that that's out of the way, March 10th is for celebrating Mario. So while I of course endorse playing a few of the great Mario titles, I also encourage you to experience some of those titles that time has pretended didn't happen. Pretty sure you can find them all one way  or another online. Enjoy.

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23 Jan
2014

Daggum! Talk Like a Grizzled Prospector Day is a-comin!

The day we've all been waiting for! (or not!) Talk Like a Grizzled Prospector Day is on January 24th! And why shouldn't it be?

the american gold rush prospector

the american gold rush prospector

Celebrating this day is pretty self explanator right? I mean the point of the day is in the name. "Oh but Kards Unlimited guy, how does one talk like a grizzled prospector?" Well allow me to help you with that.

Prospector02[29]

Much of it is in the accent. You should probably sound like a sort of crazy old geezer. One that kind of talks a low and slow with his bottom jaw pushed out some. In your head-brain imagine this character saying "There's gold in them thar hillls." You need to sound like this guy in your imaginespace. ANYTIME YOU LAUGH it should sound like "eheheheheh!" and probably involve slappin' your knee. Another good option of model is Yosemite Sam. Though he's a bit more boisterous of a choice.

445px-Yosemite_Sam

Now this brings us to the second portion of talking like a grizzled prospector. The vocabulary. Let us reference some words for your gold-hungry-speech.

"Daggum!" "Dagnabbit!" "Tarnations!" "Varmint!" "Ah Reckon!" "Consarnit!" "Hornswaggled!" "Gold!"

If you can naturally and generously pepper these words into your strange, somewhat western, liquored up accent you'll be well on your way to mastering the craft of talking like a grizzled prospector.

If you still need some help please to reference this informational video ya daggum varmint. Now get ta pannin' that gold.

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11 Jan
2014

Rubber Ducky Day? I think so.

Let's pretend like you don't celebrate rubber duckies of the world everyday and need a special holiday to do so. Well here you go. January 13th is Rubber Ducky Day.

He introduced most of us to the glorious duck.

He introduced most of us to the glorious duck.

I still remember Ernie's Rubber Ducky song from good ol' Sesame Street. If you can't sing the words you childhood is a sad disgrace. BUT in case you're butt, here are the words for your singing pleasure. Please sing along to the video in your best Ernie voice:

Rubber Duckie you're the one
You make bath time lots of fun
Rubber Duckie I'm awfully fond of you

Rubber Duckie joy of joys
When I squeeze you, you make noise
Rubber Duckie you're my very best friend it's true
I find a little fellow who's cute and yellow and chubby
Rub a dub dubby
Rubber Duckie you're so fine and I'm lucky that you're mine
Rubber Duckie I'd like a whole pond of you
Rubber Duckie I'm awfully fond of you

You can get rubber duckies in pretty much any theme you can think of nowadays. Your #firstworldproblems will be deciding which style you need. Cowboy? Sailor? Astronaut? Evil Devil? Buddha? Mr. T? The Pope??

1374005901-94874400-2pope-duck

mrtduck

Now to celebrate this fantastic and super important holiday take a bath. But not alone. With your finest rubber friend. And by that I mean a rubber ducky obviously you sick duck. Or even better take a bath with a BUTTLOAD of rubber ducks. Act out your favorite movie scene or Shakespearean masterpiece. Whatever. Just take a bath.

Jelly?

Jelly?

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5 Dec
2013

Watch your back, International Ninja Day is sneaking up

askaninja

Are ninjas awesome?

Lurking in the shadows. Disguised as people you don't know. Hanging from ceiling by their toes and throwing shuriken. Ninjas are the shit. And pretty much everybody agrees. To the point where it was like a fad and annoying for a minute. But the internet world goes on and I flipping love ninjas still.

naruto

Look at these chumps.

December 5th is Ninja Day, or Day of the Ninja if you like, and is a day to celebrate the shinobi (Japanese for ninja, duh.) And no matter how you feel about Naruto (*cough* garbage *coughcough*) anybody can have a good time with Ninja Day. This is a day wear it's acceptable and encouraged to ninja around your regualar life. Wear a ninja mask all day. Sneak around behind your coworkers and see how long it takes them to notice. Let them know how many times and in how many ways you could have killed them while doing so. I'm just spit ballin' here. But you don't have to hide your ninja identity. You can silently shout it from the rooftops on December 5th.

tmnt

Muuuuuuch better.

What's crazy is that, even though our society is in love with the ninja, he (or she sometimes) was historically  very sparse in mention. Japan has always been about the beauty and honor of combat. To the point where dishonoring yourself meant running your own sword through your own stomach. This was Seppuku. You didn't mess around in the age of the samurai. It wasn't until the 15th century that stealth tactics became acceptable and in widespread use. But even then the entire point of the ninja was to do dirty work that you didn't want to talk about. And you definitely didn't want anybody else to talk about it. So between that fact and the reverence of honor in Japanese culture, the actual ninja got few mentions in the grand histories.  It's kind of amazing that we even know about them now!  Oh well.  Ninja on!

dotn

Yes they are.

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