Articles by " Jessica Philo"
7 Dec
2014

National Hand Washing Awareness Week

When I was in mid­dle school, my friends would ask me if I was prep­ping for surgery as I washed my hands since it took me so much longer than them.

Ha. Ha. Hii­i­ii-lar­i­ous.

My fam­i­ly fre­quent­ed Bob Evans back in the day quite a bit. Their gravy and bis­cuits was said to be awe­some. I hate break­fast, so I wouldn’t know. But that’s beside the point. In the bath­room at Bob Evans, they had a sign on the mir­ror.

IMG_0113

Being an impres­sion­able 12 year old, I took this sign to HEART. I began to sing the song in my head while I washed my hands. Which is the cor­rect way to wash your hands. 20 sec­onds with soap and warm water. Then dry.

So my retort to the first ques­tion posed is, “No, are you a dis­gust­ing slob with grimey hands?”

Nation­al Hand­wash­ing Aware­ness Week is a great time to remind your­self that it is o-kay to take 20 sec­onds to wash your hands. It is also okay to sing Old Mac­don­ald out loud. Peo­ple will def­i­nite­ly leave you alone in pub­lic restrooms.

Unless they’ve been to Bob Evans. Then they’ll sing with you.

If you’re not sold on the whole hand wash­ing deal, I want you to know that I’m not a ger­mo­phobe. There’s some bac­te­ria that’s actu­al­ly ben­e­fi­cial and okay to be exposed to! Here are the ben­nies to wash­ing your hands on the reg (and well).

  • Less chance of get­ting sick in gen­er­al
  • Less chance of get­ting infec­tious diar­rhea (OH MAH GAH THIS SHOULD BE THE ONLY REASON YOU NEED)
  • Less chance of get­ting your fam­i­ly sick
  • Less chance of pick­ing up some­thing weird from pet­ting an ani­mal
  • Less chance of all of the bad things that are spread by germs on your hands

What are you wait­ing for? Go wash your hands, fool!

27 Nov
2014

Thanksgiving is a Time for Giving Thanks!

For a lot of peo­ple, Thanks­giv­ing is main­ly about the food. I mean, when else do you get to eat a mil­lion deli­cious things at one meal? Nev­er, is the answer. Nev­er. So. I can total­ly under­stand why you’d be most excit­ed about stuff­ing your face with stuff­ing and oth­er assort­ed goods. That being said, you can make Thanks­giv­ing a two part extrav­a­gan­za about both food and grat­i­tude. Some fam­i­lies go around the table and say what they’re thank­ful for, which is awe­some. That can feel weird and forced, though.

So! If you’d like to make Thanks­giv­ing about some­thing more than food, it’s real­ly easy. All you have to do is take some time on Thanks­giv­ing to get intro­spec­tive (may­be you have a long car ride? May­be foot­ball bores you to death? May­be you day­dream a lot?) and think about the things you’re thank­ful for. They can be big or small things. So adding “My dog is awe­some,” to your list is accept­able, as is “I have a roof over my head.” There’s no min­i­mum or lim­it to the things you can be thank­ful for and it is def­i­nite­ly not a con­test between you and any­one else. That’s prob­a­bly the most impor­tant part of express­ing your thank­ful­ness. You do not need to be com­par­ing your­self to ANYONE ELSE. Peri­od. Com­par­ison is the thief of joy, after all.

So! Here are a few things from my list:

  1. My dog is awe­some.
    Yogi 2
  2. I work at this great place you may have heard of.
    KU
  3. I’ve man­aged to fit a lot of recre­ation­al read­ing time into my life late­ly.
  4. I’m pret­ty healthy, all things con­sid­ered.
  5. I can walk to the library from my apart­ment. Which means books ALL THE TIME!
  6. Hard cider is becom­ing a REALLY pop­u­lar thing in the USYAY!
  7. Glazed donuts exist.
  8. It is accept­able to dip bread in olive oil with fresh gar­lic and amaz­ing herbs.
  9. They increased the speed lim­it to 70 on some parts of the turn­pike. GET OUTTA MY WAY SLOWBIES!
  10. Some­one has dis­cov­ered choco­late cov­ered pret­zels and shared it with the world.
6 Nov
2014

Pursuit of Happiness Week!

Thank you Dec­la­ra­tion of Inde­pen­dence for the inalien­able right to the pur­suit of hap­pi­ness. It’s a total­ly vague right, but I like it! They appar­ent­ly meant “that feel­ing of self-worth and dig­ni­ty you acquire by con­tribut­ing to your com­mu­ni­ty and to its civic life”, but I like to focus on the raw feel­ing of hap­pi­ness, so I’m going to stick with the mod­ern day inter­pre­ta­tion for the­se pur­pos­es.

I think it’s prob­a­bly the most for­get­table right we have, the pur­suit of hap­pi­ness. I mean, we’re all busy just try­ing to get by most of the time. Got­ta go to work, run errands, attempt to keep your house tidy, laun­dry can’t real­ly get piled up (bathing suits make ter­ri­ble under­wear), does the car need an oil change? etc. etc. So hap­pi­ness? Ain’t nobody got time for that.

How­ev­er.

I think we can all make small adjust­ments in order to keep our hap­pi­ness in check. After all. If you’re not hap­py, what again is the point of every­thing you do? Not every­thing needs to make you hap­py, but you don’t need to feel like you haven’t real­ly done any­thing for your­self in a while, either.

SO! We don’t want to dis­ap­point poor Thomas Jef­fer­son. I urge you to start think­ing about ways you can make your­self hap­py. And I don’t mean final­ly pur­chas­ing a sports car or final­ly get­ting that in-ground pool. I mean small ways you can thought­ful­ly up your hap­pi­ness. If you’re doing things pure­ly for the sake of oth­ers, or your job is real­ly not where you want to be, or you’ve been mean­ing to take up knit­ting, or you’ve always want­ed to train for a marathon but have nev­er found the time, or you’ve been won­der­ing about vol­un­teer­ing late­ly, the time is now! Your state of mind, and hap­pi­ness, are things you need to keep an eye on. No one else can real­ly gauge your hap­pi­ness but you, and no one else can real­ly make you hap­py in the long run. That’s up to you! So don’t short­change your­self and get to think­in’ about how you can work to make sure you keep your hap­pi­ness a pri­or­i­ty.

31 Oct
2014

Knock Knock. Who’s There? Knock Knock. Knock Knock Who? Knock Knock Jokes Day!

First pub­lished in a news­pa­per in 1934 with this joke:

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Rufus.
Rufus who?
Rufus the most impor­tant part of your house.

The knock knock joke has been around for quite some time. And bad jokes are one of my favorite things may­be in the world. So let me get to the cream fill­ing of this Oreo and give you the bad yet oh so good jokes.

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Inter­rupt­ing dyslex­ic cow
Inter­rupt­ing dysle–
OMO!

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Yoda lady.
Yoda lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Door­bell repair man.
Door­bell repair man who?
Every fuck­ing time…

Knock Knock.
Who’s There?
The.
The Who?
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
I eat map.
I eat map who?
Oh god, that’s dis­gust­ing!

Knock-Knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
To whom.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
You know.
You-Know-Wh–
AVADA KEDAVRA!

25 Sep
2014

One Hit Wonder Day

To bring you up to speed, a one hit won­der is an act that’s made it to the top of the charts just once.

I’m gonna toast your strudel with some knowl­edge here. HERE WE GO.

  1. Michael Buble is a one hit won­der. His song “Haven’t Met You Yet” is his only chart top­ping num­ber.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AJmKkU5POA
  2. Same goes for Flo­rence + the Machine. “Dog Days Are Over” made it big in 2010.
  3. Fos­ter the People’s kind of messed up (okay real­ly messed up) tune “Pumped Up Kicks” is their only gold­en nugget to date.
  4. Remem­ber Gotye? ♫Now you’re just some­body that I used to knowwwwww♫
  5. Amy Wine­house is sad­ly a one hit won­der. “Rehab” was her only big sin­gle.
  6. OK Go’s “Here It Goes Again” (THE VIDEO WITH THE COOL TREADMILL CHOREOGRAPHY) is a one hit won­der. It’d be tough to beat that real­ly. They peaked too soon :(
  7. I bet the­se are all the lyrics you know from t.A.T.u.‘s one hit won­der “All The Things She Said” ♫All the things she said all the things she said run­ning through my head run­ning through my head run­ning through my read run­ning through my head♫
  8. Afroman’s insane­ly quotable “Because I Got High” is still a favorite of mine. ♫I was gonna clean my room, until I got high♫
  9. I’M A MILLENNIAL AND WAS OBSESSED WITH S CLUB 7 FOR A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME.
  10. It comes as no sur­prise that Baja Men’s “Who Let The Dogs Out” is a one hit won­der. (Woof woof woof woof).
  11. BLINK 182 IS A ONE HIT WONDER. Wut.
  12. I’ll end this list with a one hit won­der that’s had some seri­ous stay­ing pow­er at par­ties and wed­dings. Red­nex “Cot­teon Eyed Joe”. Don’t lie, you still know the dance…
10 Aug
2014

Resurrect Romance Week

August 10–16 is Res­ur­rect Romance Week. This week is 6 months from Valentine’s Day and the point isn’t to give gifts and things, but to spend time with and actu­al­ly pay atten­tion to each oth­er.

Sounds awe­some to me!

So. If you’re look­ing to pam­per your sig­nif­i­cant oth­er this week, may I sug­gest a week of fun activ­i­ties sans spend­ing tons of mon­ey?

You can have your shit together like these two if you play your cards right!

You can have your shit togeth­er like the­se two if you play your cards right!

  • Mas­sages. Feet hurt? Back hurt? Get some body oil or lotion and help each oth­er out with your prob­lem spots.
  • Write a love let­ter. Get sen­ti­men­tal and write down some stuff for your S/O. No one else will see it, so get per­son­al!
  • Pay them many com­pli­ments. I once read that the ide­al pos­i­tive to neg­a­tive com­ment ratio is 6 to 1. Mean­ing for peo­ple to feel good you need to say 6 nice things to every 1 neg­a­tive thing. The neg­a­tive things stick in the brain. So lay it on em! (Neg­a­tive com­ments not required.)
  • Sur­prise meal! May­be it’s break­fast in bed, or may­be it’s hav­ing din­ner ready and on the table when they get home from work. What­ev­er will float their boat. Can­dles won’t hurt either. May­be you can steal some flow­ers from your gar­den, too.
Bad coordinating tattoos not recommended. Also, very costly.

Bad coor­di­nat­ing tat­toos not rec­om­mend­ed. Also, very cost­ly.

  • Draw a bath for them. You could do this just for them or you could enjoy togeth­er if your tub will allow it. Baths are relax­ing and warm and bub­bly and a good time for relax­ing. Did I men­tion they’re relax­ing?
  • Movie night! Pick some­thing you’ll both like, pop some pop­corn, and snug­gle up.
  • Rem­i­nis­ce. You know those pho­to albums you have lying around but nev­er look at? Now would be a good time to flip through them togeth­er and re-live all of those mem­o­ries. Ahh, mem­o­ries.
  • Bake togeth­er. Brown­ies, choco­late chip cook­ies, cake… What­ev­er you two want.
  • Take a walk togeth­er. To nowhere. For noth­ing. Just be!
  • Wel­come them home with side­walk chalk. Cute mes­sages rec­om­mend­ed.
Roaming around a corn field is free (if not trespassing). Bugs likely included.

Roam­ing around a corn field is free (if not tres­pass­ing). Bugs like­ly includ­ed.

13 Jul
2014

Happy French Fry Day

French fries: they don’t count as a veg­etable but who gives a shit?

fries

I love french fries.

Fried up, crispy on the out­side, fluffy on the inside french fries. I love to dip ‘em in Ranch, mayo, or ketchup.

Are you seeing how golden and delicious these are? ARE YOU SEEING IT?

Cheese fries are even bet­ter. Smoth­er those bad boys with a ton of melt­ed cheese, top ‘em with bacon and a side of sour cream and you have my eter­nal grat­i­tude.

Cheese fries

Peo­ple say I’m hard to shop for, but in my defense, no one ever tried french fries and bacon…

Can we talk about steak fries? Gah. SO GOOD.
steak fries

Can we also talk about how putting ketchup on your french fries like this is A SIN IN MY EYES? THE KETCHUP WILL GET ON YOUR HANDS AND THEN THEY WILL BE STICKY AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN

french-fries-ketchup

I can almost feel my arter­ies clog­ging each time I eat french fries or cheese fries. But then I think about how DELICIOUS THEY ARE IN MY MOUTH and I push aside the bad feel­ings and just eat. Because denial is the best way for eat­ing foodz that are so good they’re bad.

Now that I’m fin­ished singing french fries’ prais­es I’m going to go um, GET SOME FRIES. Bye.

26 Jun
2014

Dobby, A Free Elf

I don’t know about you, but every time a sock goes miss­ing in the laun­dry, I can’t help but think of Dob­by. Sweet, well inten­tioned yet dis­as­trous Dob­by.

When The Death­ly Hal­lows was released in 2007 I re-read the entire series before I dug into it. And when *spoil­er alert* Dob­by dies, I cried. I ugly cried right into my book.

right in the feels

Damn J.K. you sure know how to F a lady up in the feels.

I slow­ly recov­ered, but was always adamant­ly a Dob­by enthu­si­ast. When The Death­ly Hal­lows Part 1 film was released in 2010, again, I ugly cried, but this time in  a room full of strangers.

Every time I see a weird lit­tle dog with bug­gy eyes, I secret­ly name it Dob­by. The spindly lit­tle Whip­pet that lives in the Hey Bet­ty store win­dow dur­ing the day has only one name to me, and it’s Dob­by.

And now, for some Dob­by quotes which are A+.

Dob­by nev­er meant to kill! Dob­by only meant to maim, or seri­ous­ly injure!

Dob­by is used to death threats, sir. Dob­by gets them five times a day at home.

Yes, Har­ry Pot­ter!” said Dob­by at once, his great eyes shin­ing with excite­ment. “And if Dob­by does it wrong, Dob­by will throw him­self off the top­most tow­er, Har­ry Pot­ter!”

dobby is free

Hap­py Birth­day, Dob­by! <3 U.