Articles by " Jessica Philo"
31 Oct
2014

Knock Knock. Who’s There? Knock Knock. Knock Knock Who? Knock Knock Jokes Day!

First published in a newspaper in 1934 with this joke:

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Rufus.
Rufus who?
Rufus the most important part of your house.

The knock knock joke has been around for quite some time. And bad jokes are one of my favorite things maybe in the world. So let me get to the cream filling of this Oreo and give you the bad yet oh so good jokes.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Interrupting dyslexic cow
Interrupting dysle-
OMO!

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Yoda lady.
Yoda lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Doorbell repair man.
Doorbell repair man who?
Every fucking time...

Knock Knock.
Who's There?
The.
The Who?
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Knock knock.
Who's there?
I eat map.
I eat map who?
Oh god, that's disgusting!

Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
To.
To who?
To whom.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
You know.
You-Know-Wh-
AVADA KEDAVRA!

25 Sep
2014

One Hit Wonder Day

To bring you up to speed, a one hit wonder is an act that's made it to the top of the charts just once.

I'm gonna toast your strudel with some knowledge here. HERE WE GO.

  1. Michael Buble is a one hit wonder. His song "Haven't Met You Yet" is his only chart topping number.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AJmKkU5POA
  2. Same goes for Florence + the Machine. "Dog Days Are Over" made it big in 2010.
  3. Foster the People's kind of messed up (okay really messed up) tune "Pumped Up Kicks" is their only golden nugget to date.
  4. Remember Gotye? ♫Now you're just somebody that I used to knowwwwww♫
  5. Amy Winehouse is sadly a one hit wonder. "Rehab" was her only big single.
  6. OK Go's "Here It Goes Again" (THE VIDEO WITH THE COOL TREADMILL CHOREOGRAPHY) is a one hit wonder. It'd be tough to beat that really. They peaked too soon :(
  7. I bet these are all the lyrics you know from t.A.T.u.'s one hit wonder "All The Things She Said" ♫All the things she said all the things she said running through my head running through my head running through my read running through my head♫
  8. Afroman's insanely quotable "Because I Got High" is still a favorite of mine. ♫I was gonna clean my room, until I got high♫
  9. I'M A MILLENNIAL AND WAS OBSESSED WITH S CLUB 7 FOR A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME.
  10. It comes as no surprise that Baja Men's "Who Let The Dogs Out" is a one hit wonder. (Woof woof woof woof).
  11. BLINK 182 IS A ONE HIT WONDER. Wut.
  12. I'll end this list with a one hit wonder that's had some serious staying power at parties and weddings. Rednex "Cotteon Eyed Joe". Don't lie, you still know the dance...
10 Aug
2014

Resurrect Romance Week

August 10-16 is Resurrect Romance Week. This week is 6 months from Valentine's Day and the point isn't to give gifts and things, but to spend time with and actually pay attention to each other.

Sounds awesome to me!

So. If you're looking to pamper your significant other this week, may I suggest a week of fun activities sans spending tons of money?

You can have your shit together like these two if you play your cards right!

You can have your shit together like these two if you play your cards right!

  • Massages. Feet hurt? Back hurt? Get some body oil or lotion and help each other out with your problem spots.
  • Write a love letter. Get sentimental and write down some stuff for your S/O. No one else will see it, so get personal!
  • Pay them many compliments. I once read that the ideal positive to negative comment ratio is 6 to 1. Meaning for people to feel good you need to say 6 nice things to every 1 negative thing. The negative things stick in the brain. So lay it on em! (Negative comments not required.)
  • Surprise meal! Maybe it's breakfast in bed, or maybe it's having dinner ready and on the table when they get home from work. Whatever will float their boat. Candles won't hurt either. Maybe you can steal some flowers from your garden, too.
Bad coordinating tattoos not recommended. Also, very costly.

Bad coordinating tattoos not recommended. Also, very costly.

  • Draw a bath for them. You could do this just for them or you could enjoy together if your tub will allow it. Baths are relaxing and warm and bubbly and a good time for relaxing. Did I mention they're relaxing?
  • Movie night! Pick something you'll both like, pop some popcorn, and snuggle up.
  • Reminisce. You know those photo albums you have lying around but never look at? Now would be a good time to flip through them together and re-live all of those memories. Ahh, memories.
  • Bake together. Brownies, chocolate chip cookies, cake... Whatever you two want.
  • Take a walk together. To nowhere. For nothing. Just be!
  • Welcome them home with sidewalk chalk. Cute messages recommended.
Roaming around a corn field is free (if not trespassing). Bugs likely included.

Roaming around a corn field is free (if not trespassing). Bugs likely included.

13 Jul
2014

Happy French Fry Day

French fries: they don't count as a vegetable but who gives a shit?

fries

I love french fries.

Fried up, crispy on the outside, fluffy on the inside french fries. I love to dip 'em in Ranch, mayo, or ketchup.

Are you seeing how golden and delicious these are? ARE YOU SEEING IT?

Cheese fries are even better. Smother those bad boys with a ton of melted cheese, top 'em with bacon and a side of sour cream and you have my eternal gratitude.

Cheese fries

People say I'm hard to shop for, but in my defense, no one ever tried french fries and bacon...

Can we talk about steak fries? Gah. SO GOOD.
steak fries

Can we also talk about how putting ketchup on your french fries like this is A SIN IN MY EYES? THE KETCHUP WILL GET ON YOUR HANDS AND THEN THEY WILL BE STICKY AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN

french-fries-ketchup

I can almost feel my arteries clogging each time I eat french fries or cheese fries. But then I think about how DELICIOUS THEY ARE IN MY MOUTH and I push aside the bad feelings and just eat. Because denial is the best way for eating foodz that are so good they're bad.

Now that I'm finished singing french fries' praises I'm going to go um, GET SOME FRIES. Bye.

26 Jun
2014

Dobby, A Free Elf

I don't know about you, but every time a sock goes missing in the laundry, I can't help but think of Dobby. Sweet, well intentioned yet disastrous Dobby.

When The Deathly Hallows was released in 2007 I re-read the entire series before I dug into it. And when *spoiler alert* Dobby dies, I cried. I ugly cried right into my book.

right in the feels

Damn J.K. you sure know how to F a lady up in the feels.

I slowly recovered, but was always adamantly a Dobby enthusiast. When The Deathly Hallows Part 1 film was released in 2010, again, I ugly cried, but this time in  a room full of strangers.

Every time I see a weird little dog with buggy eyes, I secretly name it Dobby. The spindly little Whippet that lives in the Hey Betty store window during the day has only one name to me, and it's Dobby.

And now, for some Dobby quotes which are A+.

Dobby never meant to kill! Dobby only meant to maim, or seriously injure!

Dobby is used to death threats, sir. Dobby gets them five times a day at home.

"Yes, Harry Potter!" said Dobby at once, his great eyes shining with excitement. "And if Dobby does it wrong, Dobby will throw himself off the topmost tower, Harry Potter!"

dobby is free

Happy Birthday, Dobby! <3 U.

18 Jun
2014

FRIDAY IS TAKE YOUR DOG TO WORK DAY!!

If you know us at KU (and me, this is JP speaking, hi) we love dogs. We're pet friendly and we welcome doggies in the store.

But what about bringing your dog to WORK? How friggin awesome would that be? Who has a workplace that would be worse off with dogs present? Probably trash men or like, surgeons on surgery day, but whatever, that's not what we do here. ANYWHO. You're in luck if this is getting you jazzed.

Friday June 20 is take your dog to work day, and provided that no one is allergic to your little friend and your dog is sociable, YOU SHOULD DO EET. Ask your boss, take Feefee for a long walk before work and enjoy the stress relieving companionship your dog provides. Plus, people who don't have a dog but love dogs will be so excited to see a DOGGY! HI DOGGY! CAN I PET HIM? OH MY GOD I LOVE HIM! HE'S SO PRECIOUS! And even better, you'll have someone to talk to all day that will do absolutely 0 talking back. Perf.

This is a face you'll be seeing here at KU on Friday :) He will be available to be petted and loved in general because that's his MO.

My precious little Yogi

My precious little Yogi

16 May
2014

IT’S NATIONAL PIZZA PARTY DAY

Pizza parties are one of the best things you can do for others. You might think giving compliments or generally being courteous or even giving people money is important, but nothing is more important than pizza parties.

The announcement of a pizza party will instantly lift the spirits of any group of people. This relatively small gesture of free, warm, cheesy pizza is one of the best ways to get people smiling. This is just science people. Science.

This is literally what will happen.

Before pizza party:

Okay

 

After pizza party:

meme_happy

The Ninja Turtles had the right idea:

pizzapartyvote

If you really want to get sneaky, you can host a secret pizza party, like the racoon main character in the awesome book we sell, entitled Secret Pizza Party. All he ever wants is pizza, but he keeps getting "bonked" in the head with a broom. So he devises a plan to get himself some pizza to have a secret pizza party. It's a wonderful book and a wonderful idea. All pizza parties are a wonderful idea!

May your pizza party be blessed with warm cheesy pizza, good conversation, and good times :)

10 May
2014

National Miniature Golf Day

Anyone that's played a round of golf knows that um, golf isn't easy. You can't just pick up a set of clubs and ride your golf cart into the sunset after scoring under par.

Mini golf isn't a piece of cake either, but it makes for a much less serious time. The spirit of mini golf is upbeat and fun.

There are many stages/feels of mini golf.

When you miss the ball entirely:

lord is testing me

 

When you overcompensate and hit the shit out of the ball:

too far

 

When you somehow manage to hit a hole in one:

entertained

When it takes you 7 strokes every hole to get the ball in and everyone is waiting for you:

temples

When someone you're with takes a pro golf stance:

gon be good

When you get to the hole with the windmill and time it perfectly so you hit it and miss the opening:

what

When you hit the ball into the water and everyone has to wait for you to fish it out:pass out

When you purposely hit the ball in the water because you realize it's part of that hole's strategy:

crazy

When someone else hits your ball in with their ball:

stunning

When you encounter a hole that looks like a giant vagina:

Now that's what I call a questionable hole. (I've been waiting 7 years to find a use for this photo of mine)

Now that's what I call a questionable hole. (I've been waiting 7 years to find a use for this photo of mine)

malfoy scared

When the score is tallied and you lost by a great margin:

sh

THIS IS FROM HAPPY GILMORE, GET IT

When you know just how to fix that problem:

Alan-Rickman-Says-We-All-Get-Drunk

 

A for Affort

A for Affort