I know what you're thinking, "Why the hell on God's green earth would I ever want to sit through the fourth installment of an already questionable franchise when I could just as easily drive a nail through my foot, because let's face it, that would be more fun and less painful." Well, I'm here to tell you, nay, berate to you, that this spectacularly awful piece of cinema, with a staggering zero percent on rotten tomatoes,  might be the most fun you'll ever have watching a movie. Why? Well....

1. Shark Sense

This film posits the idea that Ellen Brody, our protagonist, and widow of Chief Martin Brody from the first and second Jaws films, has a psychic connection to the shark THAT IS HUNTING HER FAMILY. I want to make sure you understand that the plot of this film revolves around, what is now the fourth great white shark in the series, hunting down and killing members of the Brody family. Just let that soak in for a minute. How does the shark know the Brody family? How does he find them? Why does Ellen have a "spidey sense" tingling whenever the shark is going to attack? If you think you'll get answers to these question, you'd be wrong. It's more fun and much more sensical to just make up your own answers. It will only improve your movie watching experience.

2. Michael Caine. 

That's right. You read it correctly. Michael Mother F*cking Caine is in this shit. Not enough for you? What If I said he played the island drug runner/pilot, Hoagie. Yes, his character is a sandwich. He also missed receiving an Academy Award because he was filming reshoots ( I want to stress here that they had reshoots for this film TO MAKE IT BETTER) for this movie, and has famously commented on the film "I have never seen it, but by all accounts it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific."


 "It's a good thing my career didn't sink with this move"

 3. Defying Nature

 We all know that since fish use gills to survive in water and don't have lungs, that they can't scream, right? RIGHT!? Wrong. Or at least in the bat shit crazy world of Jaws The Revenge, because in that world, sharks remove their heads from the water and roar, because f*ck science.


4. Death By Fear...of Sharks

As if by now, this movie hasn't defacated all over the Jaws legacy enough, they take it a step farther by positing the idea that Chief Martin Brody, the hero and protagonist of the first two Jaws films, who triumphantly conquered his fear of the ocean and blew up two giant great white sharks, has died because he afraid of... sharks. Yup, Jaws the Revenge completely undermines the first and second Jaws by making the heroic Chief Brody into a big scared pussy. This is all established in the first ten minutes, so you know we're in for one hell of an awfully fun ride.


Rest in Peace Chief Brody.... you big scared pussy.

5. Human Blood Sacks

I know that we've already established Jaws 4 has told the laws of nature to go f*ck themselevs, but the fact that in this movie, all people are represented as nothing more than water balloons filled with blood, ready to explode at any moment, is really the craziest part of this movie. If you're not into gore, don't worry, it's hysterically amazing when the shark bites into someone and they explode.

After you've seen this movie there will be a rift in your life of a time before and after you've seen Jaws the Revenge. I can't say for sure if one is better than the other, but you will be changed. Your mind will be challenged in all aspects, and you will question life and all it has to offer. I suggest you venture this metamorphic viewing with a pal you can laugh with.


If your pal is Mario Van Peebles it's a super bonus. 

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So, what do you think?