festivus1Tired of all the con­sumerism of the hol­i­day? Fed up with not being able to find that ONE gift that is out of stock EVERYWHERE? Get the urge to punch any­one with too much hol­i­day cheer? Then Fes­tivus is for you, my friend! Cel­e­brat­ed on the 23rd of Decem­ber, Fes­tivus is indeed a hol­i­day for the rest of us. How did it come about? It all start­ed with Frank Costan­za:

Frank Costan­za: Many Christ­mases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did anoth­er man. As I rained blows upon him, I real­ized there had to be anoth­er way.
Cos­mo Kramer: What hap­pened to the doll?
Frank Costan­za: It was destroyed. But out of that a new hol­i­day was born … a Fes­tivus for the rest of us!

And so, Fes­tivus was born! Want to cel­e­brate Fes­tivus but don’t know how? Here are a few things that you’re gonna want to be aware of:

fullsizeFestivusPoleThe Fes­tivus Pole - This is noth­ing more than an alu­minum pole. Inex­pen­sive, sim­ple, and has a high strength-to-weight ratio. It is com­plete­ly unadorned because “tin­sel is dis­tract­ing”.

4The Air­ing of Griev­ances — This takes place imme­di­ate­ly after Fes­tivus din­ner has been served (Din­ner should con­sist of either meat­loaf or spaghet­ti and no alco­hol, btw). Each par­tic­i­pant tells friends and fam­i­ly of all the instances where they dis­ap­point­ed him or her that year. Make sure to include your guests on how much they dis­ap­point­ed you as well!

The Feats of Strength - This nor­mal­ly fol­lows the Air­ing of Griev­ances. Fes­tivus isn’t offi­cial­ly over until the head of the house­hold is wres­tled to the floor and pinned.Don’t for­get to remove any bulky cloth­ing and shout the phrase “Let’s Rum­ble

The Fes­tivus Mir­a­cle - Any­thing can be a Fes­tivus Mir­a­cle… real­ly. Good or bad, it doesn’t mat­ter. Your friend who you invit­ed to the din­ner and who had rsvped and actu­al­ly showed up when the said they would? A FESTIVUS MIRACLE Your broth­er and his wife are fight­ing for the umpteen­th time about their chil­dren? A FESTIVUS MIRACLE! The toi­let is clogged? A FESTIVUS MIRACLE! (You get the idea)

festivus-7113951Are you tired of buy­ing and giv­ing gifts, only to have peo­ple tell you they made a dona­tion to a char­i­ty in your name? Don’t for­get about The Human Fund! Don’t spend any mon­ey this year, just give peo­ple this card and save your­self the has­sle and stress of shop­ping! Make peo­ple think you care when you actu­al­ly just can’t be both­ered!

You now know all you need to know about Fes­tivus! Come cel­e­brate with the rest of us cur­mud­geons! Hap­py Fes­tivus to All and to All a Good­night!


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