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That’s my “50 shades of what now?” face.

Well, since the world has just fin­ished reel­ing from the whole 50 shades of Grey mov­ing THING that hap­pened, I fig­ured now was the per­fect time for me to review 50 shades of Kale. Kale is in now, guys. And this cook­book is all about teach­ing you how to treat it right.

Seri­ous­ly. the first chap­ter, Sub­mit to Her Charms, includes a sec­tion called “How to Treat Her Right”. They weren’t mess­ing around with the whole 50 shades the­me. This books is strange­ly.… sex­u­al? about Kale. but like, not in a scary way.

For real though, if you know some­one who is obsessed with Kale and has a sense of humor, this is like the per­fect gift for them. because it’s yeah. you love kale. You love her hard. and fresh. and wet. It’s fun­ny, guys.

So there are over 50 recipes in this book, and I was tempt­ed by a lot of them. I mean, there’s Kale omelets, ener­gy drinks, ramen, bloody marys, sor­bet, steak faji­tas, SO MANY THINGS. with Kale.

I actu­al­ly chose two recipes to try, but was only able to make one of them, do to a fruit inci­dent. (The Kiwis were like rock hard for a week and then they were still rock hard and I gave up on them) So, for your read­ing plea­sure, I have reviewed the won­der­ful yum­tas­tic mush­room and kale risot­to.

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mmm­mm cook­ing.

So. I’m going to be hon­est, this recipe had one (pret­ty sig­nif­i­cant) flaw that I didn’t notice until it was too late. The instruc­tions call for 5 cups of thin­ly chopped Kale. because, you know it’s a Kale recipe book. Prob­lem is, after the ingre­di­ents list, kale is nev­er men­tioned again.

Yeah. That’s right. In the KALE cook­book, they for­got to include the KALE.

So, I didn’t fig­ure this out until I was most of the way done mak­ing the risot­to. My deci­sion was to throw the kale in with the rice to cook down. and it was suc­cess­ful. but I have no idea what was ACTUALLY sup­posed to hap­pen with it. what­evs.

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a some­what fuzzy pic­ture of the final pro­duct. I should have tak­en anoth­er one but then my food was gone. Because I ate it.

The risot­to was SO YUMMY guys. it was a real­ly nice earthy, fill­ing, fan­tas­tic hot meal of good­ness. The fla­vor of mush­room was not at all over­whelm­ing, it was nice and sub­tle, and I mean, you couldn’t real­ly taste the kale at all. For those of you who think they don’t like Kale, you should just pre­tend that there is no Kale and you will still love it. And get lots of vit­a­mins and stuff because Kale is a super­food or some­thing like that. Even Ellen says so.

Any­way, I seri­ous­ly rec­om­mend this book, for mul­ti­ple rea­sons.

1. The recipes look amaz­ing, and the one that I tried was FOR SURE amaz­ing.
2. Just think of all the peo­ple who will get a kick out of see­ing this in your Kitchen. “50 shades of KALE? whaaaat?” And then you can be like, right? it’s cray. *cue gig­gles*
3. Imag­ine how fun it will be to drink that Kale­ji­to while read­ing the oth­er recipes out loud in your sexy voice. Go ahead. try some of this quotes out. You know you want to: “melt­ed cheese and gold­en onions in this omelet­te are guar­an­teed to induce lust, but it’s the mush­rooms that will bring you to your knees.” Not con­vinced?  Stop by the store. I’ll read some of it FOR you. in my sexy voice. And if you’re lucky, I’ll break out 50 shades of Chick­en too.

 

Mush­room and Kale Risot­to

4 cups low-sodi­um veg­etable broth
1 table­spoon olive oil
½ pound assort­ed mush­rooms, chopped
1 small onion or 2 leeks, white part only, chopped
4 gar­lic cloves, minced
1 table­spoon minced fresh thyme or rose­mary
½ tea­spoon sea salt
1 cup risot­to rice, such as Arbo­rio, Carnaroli, or Vialone Nano. (Or, just reg­u­lar rice.)
1 cup dry white wine
5 ounces kale, trimmed and thin­ly sliced (about 5 cups)
½ cup grat­ed or shaved parme­san cheese
1 table­spoon unsalt­ed but­ter
¼ tea­spoon cracked lack pep­per

Place the broth in a small saucepan over low heat. Heat a large skil­let over medi­um heat and add the olive oil. Add the mush­rooms, onion, gar­lic, thyme and salt. Cook for 6 to 8 min­utes, stir­ring often, until the mush­rooms give off their liq­uid and the onion starts to soft­en. Add the rice and cook 1 min­ute more, stir­ring once or twice.

Add the wine and cook for 1 to 2 min­utes, stir­ring con­tin­u­ous­ly, until the liq­uid is com­plete­ly absorbed. Add the Kale! Con­tin­ue to add ½-cup amounts of the broth as the rice cooks, for a total of about 30 min­utes, until the rice is soft­ened but still al den­te. Stir in half of the cheese and the but­ter. Sprin­kle with the black pep­per. Serve imme­di­ate­ly with the remain­ing cheese.

 

 

So, what do you think?