My feet hurt. It's way too cold for October, I shouldn't be contemplating buying long underwear this early in the season. Why did I agree to work a Saturday shift? I have a crick in my neck. Why is everyone being so stupid today. Stop looking at me that way. You know what way.

Today's National Grouch Day. Apparently it was started by Sesame Street Magazine to celebrate Oscar the Grouch. Yeah, cause we really needed a holiday to glorify a homeless hoarder with a nasty uni-brow and crazy eyes. What's up with that, by the way? Who wants to teach kids it's ok to live life wallowing in a goddamn dumpster?

But whatever, let's do it. Let's celebrate all the grouchy jerks who tell it like it is. We all have grouches in our lives. At least, all my friends do. So go out, find your unfriendly neighborhood downer, and buy 'em a beer. God knows they need it.

How shall I be celebrating this travesty of a fake holiday? I'll be listening to Bill Hicks' stand-up taps nonstop and getting irrationally angry. The man must be the greatest grouch in history. Do you like righteous indignation? This is your man. Have a sampling:

"People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with [H. W.] Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe...he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left."

"Lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he's gonna wanna see a cross, man?"

"Do a commercial, you're off the artistic roll call, every word you say is suspect, you're a corporate whore and eh, end of story."

My man.

Now get out of my way.

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So, what do you think?