I've heard so much about these computer thingies for so long. I thought maybe they were a fad, you know, a passing fancy. But it seems these strange machines are here to stay. I hear they can send mail through space, they can spin their own records, and there's even an endless book on people's faces. Amazeballs!!

Well, it's been a long time coming but here it is. The best blog ever. Because nothing says "Happy Birthday bestie" like a blog. The beauty is... (drum roll please...) it doubles as your present! Yesssss!

An ode to you. Our fearless leader. Our ringmaster. Our maestro. Our Queen.

There's no excuse for forgetting someone's birthday card when you work here. Especially when that certain someone is the wizard behind the curtain of KU.  Now that's pressure! It's a difficult task finding the perfect birthday card for the head honcho of the best card store in the city.  It's like trying to out-wit... well, someone witty.

And so the search began. Allow me to share with you the intimate details of my search to find the best card for the best girl <3

I made my way through the seas of weekend customers back to the 'Birthday Humor"  section and let me tell you, "the sea was angry that day my friends."  I scanned the rows of funny cards until I found a familiar face.  Maxine.  I thought, "Yes!, She has stood the test of time, she has graced the cover of many a Shoebox card.  This must be the right card."


She's so iconic.

And then I thought, no, the leopard print robe, surly coffee cup and dog who may or may not be being held at gun point didn't scream your name.

So I moved on. I put my head down and plowed my way through the millions of customers until I reached another section of cards. I chose the next possibility right away. It was right in front staring me in the face. Ugly butt guy.



I soon realized the removable magnet wasn't worth it.  I could never subject you to this card. Just opening the envelope might blind you for life. No one wants that on their birthday. No one.

And so the search continued. I bobbed. I weaved. I squeezed and slid my way past people. Until I came upon the next card rack.  I read and read until I found this gem.


See previous comment.

This one was a real contender for a while. Until I remembered that we are "just friends", even if we don't always come off that way in staff interviews. Our rich and fulfilling home-lives filled with loving husbands, cute kids and cuddly pets can sometimes get in the way of our "partnership". And by partners I mean the business variety people. C'mon!

I forged ahead determined to find the perfect birthday card.

This was a funny one..


Hamsters make everything cuter.

but I thought the helmet made you seem too special-ed.

This one killed me.....


For obvious reasons.

but I thought you'd think it was a hint that real porn may be arriving as a birthday gift for you by mail. I didn't want you to be disappointed when nothing arrived so I thought I'd just steer clear of that whole dilemma.

I was struck with the genius idea of a simple card with a quote on it. "That can't miss!" I thought as I elbowed some more customers out of the way to get to the right spot. I read quotes by Shakespeare, Balzac, various important presidents and let's not forget the many inspirational quotes by that mysterious but popular historical figure, "Unknown".

I liked this one....


It has a certain something, but...

but then thought better of it when I saw the Kards Unlimited version of it....


Much better!

But it was missing a certain je ne sais quoi. And then it dawned on me. I couldn't give you a card without glitter on it!!!!! Jeez. So I fought my way through the mob all the way up to the front of the store to check out the hand-made cards. And there it was, glittering loudly for all to see....


Almost perfect!

While the LARGE number of candles seemed appropriate and the sentiment rang true, it wasn't quite right still. Too traditional for someone with your weirdo flair. This one seemed more up your alley...


Eerily appropriate...

I found I had altogether too many questions about the skull, the pipe and the bottle of blood in this card so I opted to wait on this one too. But really.

So after careful consideration and many paper cuts, I took my mountain of cards to the couch and sat down to made some decisions. I came up with a little something I like to call an EPIC-NOVEL BIRTHDAY CARD! I cut up all the cards and pasted them together to create a one-of-kind-birthday message just for you. Here goes.

Drink today and drown all sorrow,

ugly butt guy.

I know that I have someone who sees life a lot like I do

Someone who shares the same values and dreams the same dreams.

Your porn's arrived.

May all your birthday wishes come true.

Time to get a little crazy,

Ugly butt guy.

You are the beer in my bong.

The older I get the fewer people I actually like.

You are truly the zig in my zag.

Happy Birthday friend. Sorry about the mess on the couch:)

By    3 Comments


  • Aww. This was so sweet!

    • Right?!

  • I'm... so happy.

So, what do you think?