That's me.

Satisfaction. Contentedness. So rarely are we able to feel such sentiments. There has always been one time and one time only that I could depend on something to supply me with this without fail. It doesn't matter when I get some. It doesn't matter what kind of mood I'm in going into it. I come out feeling right as rain. Not too full, not too much like a fat kid. Everything in my universe feels temporarily balanced after a big bowl of cereal.

Cereal is my comfort food. Sure, there are a lot of other foods that are better at comforting in the moment, but I'm usually full of regret after and wish I could take it back. Or at least take back half the box of mac'n cheese AND the grilled cheese sandwich that forces images of Cronus eating rock "babies" into my head about a half hour after the glorious gluttonous gorging is finished. Don't get it twisted ma - it doesn't stop me from doing it again. But it does make me wish I went with my not so shameful, dependable cereal.

Fact: When I go to buy groceries I walk up and down the cereal aisle looking at all the different types. I imagine what it would be like to get to know each of them. Intimately. Would I prefer eating this for breakfast? An after work snack? Dessert? Dinner, even? Would my vanilla almond milk enhance its flavors? How quickly does it get mushy? Will it be a good mushy or the vomit inducing-this-is-what-post-apocalyptic-space-slop-tastes-like kind of mushy? Will the milk turn a different color? A different flavor? How many different textures will I be getting at once? How layered will this experience be?! Is it on sale?

There's so much to be said for cereal. QUICK HISTORY LESSON!

The history of cereal is full of DRAMA (pronounced: dreah-ma) its like a soap opera! So way back some seventh day adventists were like, hey- we should stop eating pork and things for breakfast that make our stomachs fall out of our asses on the daily. So back around the 1860s they started the Western Health Reform Institute which then they started calling either a Sanitarium or a Spa. Sanitarium sounds more dystopian future to me so lets stick with that. So these sanitariums had all these people trying to get their health on. They kept trying to find healthier substitutes. At one point one guy trying to get his patients regulated made some bran nuggets called granula...(sound like anything?) Then one of his patients started her own shindig and someone at her shindig started making his own granula, a guy with the last name Kellogg. What Kellogg made was more edible but he still called it Granula so then home boy who made it first said OH SHOOT. And then legally Mr. Kellogg had to change the name...so he changed it to Granola. Then Kellogg and his brother started messing around with more delicious ways to incorporate fiber and wheat and grains when they messed up. They accidentally let the wheat stand for too long! Dumbies! So because $$ doesnt grow on trees they flattened and dried it how they do ne wayz but instead it flaked worse than me when you try to make plans with me and CORN FLAKES were born! THEN one day, at the same sanitarium, someone with the last name of Post decided he could do it better and invented what we now know as GRAPENUTS and he made his own brand of cornflakes AND he launched the first nation wide advertising campaign...SAY WHAT?! And so began our inundation with advertising for cereals. And so begins it in this blog.

It wasn't until 1953 that sugary cereal started popping up. Im not a sugar loving gal, but sometimes that's what hits the spot. I'm going to run through some of my favorite cereals, cereals that scare me and cereals I have memories with. I invite you to do the same .

One of my favorite cereals of all time. "Tony Tigers" as my grandmother referred to them aka Frosted Flakes. I could eat these until the cows come home - or until I get as big as one. They remind me of my childhood and they were the only sugary cereal I really ate. They aren't too sugary and they gently sweeten your milk. Perfect.

 

 

 

Next up: Cocoa Pebbles. These were a dessert cereal and I now wonder if we only had these in the house when my parents were either 1: emotionally eating. 2: PMSing. 3: both. Cocoa Pebbles are superior to their competitor, Cocoa Crispies in taste, consistency, and how long they last before they get soggy and inedible. I can say this scientifically and unbiased because I won the 3rd grade science fair with that one. Suckers.

 

 

Me and every person over 75's other favorite cereal of all time...Cracklin' Oat Bran! So maybe I used to be a little bound up. I wasn't able to drink my stress away back then and I'm thankful because I wouldn't have discovered these. Because I pay for food myself now I can't afford them. This is rich white people cereal but I indulge at Oh Yea, the ice cream place ps GO RIGHT NOW. Don't walk. Run. Anyways, I get these little squares of love swirled into my ice cream. There is nothing more perfect. They are good in all ways - dry, slightly softened, or baby food after an hour.

 

 

Remember these? Weren't there grandmas in the commercials, or is that something else? (see how I ask you, as though we're having a conversation, and I can't log onto youtube and look up every cereal commercial ever made)

 

 

 

Honey Bunches of Oats. The woman in this commercial is in my head every day. I didn't realize this wasn't the case for everyone until my visiting besties looked at me with this face, o_0 when I exclaimed "WE MAKE A LOTTA CEREAL HERE." It is frequently on sale which makes it taste better than it does.

 

 

 

KIDS SHOULDNT BE EATING THESE. Im JK. But I forgot they existed until our young whipper snapper new employee told me about them.

 

 

 

But I could never forget about these. These might be the dessert at my wedding.

 

 

 

 

 

Not wrong because you and the Cap'n make it happen....and they remind me of my dad. Only downside: Their delightful crunch tears at the inside of your mouth worse than Cheetos. Warning: Do not eat when stoned. You will eat so much you won't feel the pain anymore.

 

 

 

So heres the thing about Trix...Aside from them being just for kids, I only started eating Trix when I was in college and depressed due to:
- Realizing I was a homo.
- Having my first homo heartbreak.
- Needing to consume something that wasn't Redbull or Easy Mac.
- It was the only thing left in the on-campus convenience store, and no one wanted them.

 

 

This was my first sneaky cereal. I ate it at sleepovers at peoples houses who were allowed to have crazy cereals. Eventually I ate so much of this it made me sick. I used to share it with my cat because she loved cinnamon.

Other reasons this is amazing. It's the taste you can see. Cinnamon swirled into every bite! That little old white man. Eventually, when I had overdone it in cereal form, they came out with the cereal bar with the strange evaporated milk in the middle. Crack.

 

 

 

The "healthy" phase:

Gay. We're just...friends from the gym!

Date rape.

I do yoga!

 

 

 

 

 

 

So I always had a box of Total or Raisin Bran or the better textured and more varied Raisin Bran Crunch going because I have the pallet of an 80 year old woman but then I started getting really into three types of cereal I found acceptable as a health conscious 20-something.

I've never been on the hot cereal train. I mean I rode the train I just never called it hot cereal. It was oatmeal or cream of wheat. Since I don't consider these cereals, due to their steamy nature, I will talk about them another time.

There have obviously been other cereals in my life but here are the ones with the most memories. There was a short lived Wheaties faze, a frosted Cheerios faze when they first came out, a Cookie Crisps faze to be like my uncle,  a yogurt and granola faze, and  most recently a Chex faze. I regret to inform all of you that I can only eat Gluten free cereal now so all of these are only memories. A dream of better days. But it was worth every second. So go home and tell your cereal how you really feel because you never know when it'll be taken from you.

What gluten has done. PS we have this tshirt and its funny.

<3

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