Bruce Wayne - bless his frail old heart - looks remarkably good for his age.  Born in the 1940s, Mr. Wayne (alias: the Batman) would be approximately five gajillion years old if he were alive today - forgive me, I'm bad with numbers - and clearly unable to prevent crime in any capacity. SORRY BRUCEY, BUT I'M NOT BUYING IT.

Obviously, I have a strong disdain for all things geriatric - salt and pepper hair, retirement accounts, cable-knit sweaters, Fox News...BLEH - which, in addition to revealing my unrivaled snottiness and a blatantly ageist attitude, indicates that I probably also have a deep-seated fear of dying. But enough about me; we're supposed to be honoring Mr. Wayne's life and legacy here.  Please, folks.  Stop trying to change the subject.

Back to Bruce.  As many of you already know, Mr. Wayne's parents were brutally murdered by street thugs while the heir to Wayne Enterprises was still a young boy, resulting in his decision to adopt a crime-battling alter ego and rid the city of Gotham of ne'er-do-wells.  The Batman uses a variety of gadgets and scare tactics to combat criminals throughout the city, oftentimes facing foes more powerful than he.

Bruce (boy) w:Parents

Bruce with parents, death by, I mean shooting.

To be honest, though, I'm really not Bruce’s biggest fan.  For me, the Batman saga has always been more about Robin than the Caped Crusader himself.  Dick Grayson (alias: Robin) is Bruce’s younger, sexier, more darkly fascinating sidekick who comes under the Batman’s care after his parents die in a horrific circus accident.  Oh yeah, ROBIN USED TO BE AN ACROBAT.  Compared to Robin’s failed career in circus acrobatics, Bruce Wayne’s billionaire-playboy-philanthropist persona seems almost pedestrian, non?

And, while we’re on the subject of HOW HOT I FIND ROBIN, let me just personally address Christopher Nolan here and tell him how deeply and personally aggrieved I feel for having been denied the pleasure of seeing Joseph Gordon-Levitt don a mask and tights in last summer’s The Dark Knight Rises.  The film implies that JGL’s cop character is destined to become the Batman’s sidekick, though viewers – REGRETTABLY – never get to see the story play out.

Although the recent Batman reboots were definitely well-acted and incredible movies in their own right, nothing – AND I MEAN NOTHING – compares to the handful of Batman films that came out during the 1990s.  These movies were RIDICULOUSLY cheesy, poorly acted, and blatantly homoerotic, and they featured performances from stars (before they were stars) like George Clooney, Michelle Pfeiffer, Nicole Kidman, ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, and Uma Thurman.  In other words, they beat Nolan’s Dark Knight trilogy without even trying.

Batman Forever Pic

Chris O'Donnell as Robin: the gayest, most awesome thing I've ever seen.

In summary, happy birthday, Bruce!  We'll send a bat-shaped cake to your mansion or something.  Just kidding.  We're poor, you're rich. Buy your own cake.  Oh, and please give more screen time to your Robin.  We've been missing him terribly. And if it isn't too much to ask, could you possibly send him over to my apartment at his earliest convenience?  Thanks!

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So, what do you think?