Your prob­a­bly sit­ting their on you’re couch reed­ing this like, “I’m a native Eng­lish speak­er I don’t knead a lessen in gram­mer.”

If that sen­tence made you want to die on the inside, then this blog is for YOU! Let’s get some things straight though.

First rule of grammar club:

We DO NOT make fun of incorrect grammar usage by someone who speaks English as a second language (ESL) because

you prob­a­bly can’t explain why it’s wrong. I’ve rarely heard some­one laugh at a poor­ly writ­ten sign and say, “HAHAHAHHA MORPHOLOGY STRIKES AGAIN!”

A per­son who uses ESL prob­a­bly knows more about Eng­lish than you do; as a native Eng­lish speak­er we take the rules for grant­ed and don’t ques­tion them, but some­one learn­ing Eng­lish is like “THIS IS THE STUPIDEST LANGUAGE” and in many ways, it is! Remem­ber this old gem?

and this clas­sic:

A lot of the rules we were taught grow­ing up (and by we I mean 30-some­things and above who remem­ber dia­gram­ming sen­tences in grade school. If you were me, it was the BEST! If you were a nor­mal per­son, it was the worst…but if you’re read­ing this, you’re in the for­mer camp).

But here’s the thing (ack! I start­ed a sen­tence with but! Shame!) the rea­sons we were told we couldn’t do cer­tain things are not rel­e­vant any­more. For exam­ple, one of the­se ancient rules is “you must not split an infini­tive.” WHY MUST WE NOT??????? Because (eeek I start­ed a sen­tence with ‘because’!! I FEEL LIKE A MILLENNIAL!!! I’M GONNA STAY UP PAST 9 TONIGHT!!!) Lat­in.  The infini­tive in Eng­lish takes the form ‘to (verb)’ as in “to go”. So when Cap­tain Kirk says “to boldy go” he is split­ting up that sexy infini­tive cou­pling with a moth­er­fuck­ing adverb. WTF amirite? Here’s the thing though, in Lat­in, “to go” is only one word, “ire”…BUT WE DON’T SPEAK LATIN ANYMORE.

{Can I side track to nerd town for a sec? K thanks. Before I went to grad­u­ate school for Speech Lan­guage Pathol­o­gy I had to brush up on some basics, but I real­ized that the­se basics weren’t exact­ly basic to your aver­age native Eng­lish speak­er. I fell so deeply mad­ly in love with my Pho­net­ics text­books (and teacher, ahem) and as a result fell so SO back in love with lan­guage.

Get­ting out­side the realm of gram­mar specif­i­cal­ly, here’s an exam­ple of a super awe­some thing: an allo­phone! So in Eng­lish, we’ve got the­se let­ters that makes sounds, let’s take the let­ter /t/for exam­ple: it’s called a phone­me; it rep­re­sents a sound. When you weren’t look­ing, /t/ went out and made a fam­i­ly! That’s right, /t/ has it’s own fuck­ing fam­i­ly, and they are called phones. The [t] in tar is dif­fer­ent from the [t] in star; if you put your hand in front of your mouth when you say “tar” you will feel a puff of air, and that is called an aspi­rat­ed [t] and has it’s own sep­a­rate sym­bol! The [t] in “writer” sounds like a [d] when spo­ken, so that gets ITS OWN SYMBOL (called a flap) and this goes on, AND THAT’S JUST ENGLISH! The­se oth­er /t/ sounds are allo­phones of /t/, aka, bas­tard chil­dren.

And don’t get me start­ed (yep I start­ed a sen­tence with AND; screw you, Ann Lan­ders) on how beau­ti­ful actu­al 3D depic­tions of spo­ken lan­guage are.}

End side track…you for­got you were in brack­ets didn’t you! We’re back to sassy town.

The 2nd rule of grammar club:


We DO make fun of the president of the United States if he makes a grammatical error, and here’s why:

BECAUSE HE’S THE GODDAMN PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES AND HE SHOULD KNOW BETTER AND IF HE DOESN’T KNOW BETTER HE SHOULD HIRE PEOPLE WHO DO KNOW BETTER BECAUSE THAT’S HOW LIFE WORKS

Going to leave you with a cou­ple won­der­ful links: one will take you to a twit­ter account called Trump­Gram­mar…no expla­na­tion need­ed, and the sec­ond is a link to a study by CMU that found Trump’s gram­mar to be just below a 6th grade lev­el, Aslan save us all.

PEACE OUT (that’s right I’m end­ing on a prepo­si­tion. EAT IT.)

By    No Comments

So, what do you think?