mario2

March 10 is Mario Day. Mar. 10. Mar10. Mario. See what they did there? It's simply a day to celebrate one of the games that really brought gaming into the mainstream. Shigeru Miyamoto created Mario for the original Donkey Kong game in 1981. This first Mario was supposed to be a carpenter instead of a plumber. As of this writing Mario has appeared in over 190 or so games. At least. For real. No joke. That's enough history. Some of the best games of my past featured our star: Super Mario Bros. 3, Mario RPG, Mario 64, Super Smash Bros., Mario Sunshine, Mariokart. The list goes on. We're plenty familiar with his quality appearances, so let's talk about the not-so-great features.

I want this to be like 'The One' with Jet Li

I want this to be like 'The One' with Jet Li

Super Mario Bros. 2. Umm no. This bastard child of the classic platformer iterations of Mario basically took everything that was cool and fun about Mario and threw it away. Why the hell did you have to throw radishes at the enemies? Why?

No. Stop.

No. Stop.

Hotel Mario. There's a good chance this was not one you've played. I hadn't either. It was made for the Phillips CD-I console (right?) and is considered to be the absolute worst Mario game ever across the board. Some strange puzzle game with awful graphics, weird cut-scenes and Bowser... bread? Please watch the collection of cutscenes.

"You know what they say. All toasters toast toast."

Mario Teaches Typing. That's literally all I'm going to say about that.

Based on those WPMs and errors this game is not working.

Based on those WPMs and errors this game is not working.

Mario Clash. This was a game that I can only hope you didn't play as it was made for the Nintendo Virtual Boy. That was the one that had goggles and attempted to create "3-D" games. All it really accomplished was making the player nauseated with terrible eye-pain and sides of headaches. I will also lump in Mario Tennis for the Virtual Boy here as well. It was just as good.

Imagine this strapped to your face like a torture device and you trying to make sense of that depth of field.

Imagine this strapped to your face like a torture device and you trying to make sense of that depth of field.

And finally, Super Mario Bros. the Movie. Now you might think that this was a good idea. If you do you're an idiot. I won't pretend that I didn't enjoy the crap out of this when I was about 8. But ya know, I was 8. So I was also an idiot. The cast includes Bob Hoskins plaing Mario,John Leguizamo playing Luigi, and Dennis Hopper playing King Koopa (aka Bowser.) The plot is ridiculous and barely references the game in any way. I'm pretty sure whoever wrote the script had never actually played the game, but had it described to them in vague concept by somebody translating the idea from Japanese. In an answering machine message that was deleted after the first listen through. All that said, if you haven't seen it you should do yourself a favor, find it on VHS, and grab a box of wine. That should pair well.

Oh.

Oh.

Yes.

Yes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now don't get me wrong, there are plenty of other awful Mario gems out there. Mario's Early Years Pre-School Fun, Mario Teaches Typing 2 (they did it twice), Mario Game Gallery, Mario is Missing!, Mario's Time Machine, about half of the Mario Party games, and other spin-offs and cameos to boot. But I at least wanted to bring up a few stand-out faves. Now that that's out of the way, March 10th is for celebrating Mario. So while I of course endorse playing a few of the great Mario titles, I also encourage you to experience some of those titles that time has pretended didn't happen. Pretty sure you can find them all one way  or another online. Enjoy.

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