March 15 is National Penis Day, and let me be the first to tell you, this holiday will grow on you. Both men and women can take time out of their busy schedule to appreciate this above-average day. Men around the world need not hide their manhood; today is a day of reflection, speculation, and basking in the glory that is your penis. You think with it, you show affection with it, and sometimes, if the time is right, you put it in a fresh apple pie.
Your penis deserves to have its veil pulled back and shown what it has accomplished. Your penis’s greatest accomplishment is probably not getting hard when your cute co-worker dressed up as Hermione for the Halloween party, but there have also been penises made famous in movies, TV, and even had molds cast of them, preserving them forever. Bet you feel pretty inadequate.
The cinema: a wonderful world of culture, action, and symbolism. Where anything can be considered “art” if you say it is. Some consider art beautiful cinematography, others how well the movie is edited, or the color palette. But some of the most artistic cinematic moments are when an actor hangs dong. Take the classic movie Boogie Nights. Mark Wahlberg exposes what is now known to be a prosthetic penis, but still shocked audiences, nonetheless. And who could forget when Hodor from HBO’s Game of Thrones let it all hang out, showing us the baby arm he’s been hiding. Though this is my personal favorite penis scene in a movie [NSFW].
Now how awesome would it be if your Johnson was cast in plaster for everyone to ogle over? Pretty friggin’ sweet if you ask me. Most of us won’t be so lucky, though, unless you were a rock star in the 60’s and 70’s. If you happen to fall into the latter category, there’s a good chance Cynthia Plaster Caster took a mold of your naughty bits. She is a groupie turned artist, taking plaster molds of every rock star she came across, most notably Jimi Hendrix. I cannot think of a better way I’d want my guy remembered; I just hope the plaster isn’t too cold.
So, let’s say for your family vacation you want to go somewhere that will impress Craig in HR, because his family just went to Denmark and he won’t shut up about how great it was. You look on Kayak and see flights to Iceland are pretty cheap. You arrive in Reykjavik, only to have your family complain the whole time how cold it is, that the food is weird, and how much longer is this hike? Bunch of ungrateful brats. You storm off in a huff and decide to make your own adventure in Iceland. After some brews at one of the many bars in town you stumble around until you see a building that catches your eye. As you get closer, yes, it does say that. You have found The Icelandic Phallological Museum.
This museum has over 200 different penises from land and sea mammals that inhabit Iceland. I’m not sure you can get any more appreciative of the penis. The wild world of animal penises will truly make you stand back and marvel at what Mother Nature has given the world to create with. Though the collection was missing a human penis, the founder of the museum was determined to find one. I will not go into that story, though, because there is already a documentary about it called The Final Member, which chronicles the strange story of how a human penis ended up in the museum.
Today is a day to rise up, let it all hang out, and pull out all the stops. There is something pure, uncut about National Penis Day. It’s like looking into your Long John Silvers bag and seeing they gave you extra crab cakes. It’s just a silly little holiday that has grown into something that all people can appreciate, for about seven minutes, maybe ten if you’re lucky. So men, pull out those nut-hugger jeans, wear sweatpants with no underwear, or put your penis in the fridge for a little just to see what happens. Enjoy the day, it only comes once a year.