March 15 is Nation­al Penis Day, and let me be the first to tell you, this hol­i­day will grow on you. Both men and wom­en can take time out of their busy sched­ule to appre­ci­ate this above-aver­age day. Men around the world need not hide their man­hood; today is a day of reflec­tion, spec­u­la­tion, and bask­ing in the glo­ry that is your penis. You think with it, you show affec­tion with it, and some­times, if the time is right, you put it in a fresh apple pie.

Your penis deserves to have its veil pulled back and shown what it has accom­plished.  Your penis’s great­est accom­plish­ment is prob­a­bly not get­ting hard when your cute co-work­er dressed up as Hermione for the Hal­loween par­ty, but there have also been penis­es made famous in movies, TV, and even had molds cast of them, pre­serv­ing them forever. Bet you feel pret­ty inad­e­quate.

The cin­e­ma: a won­der­ful world of cul­ture, action, and sym­bol­ism. Where any­thing can be con­sid­ered “art” if you say it is. Some con­sid­er art beau­ti­ful cin­e­matog­ra­phy, oth­ers how well the movie is edit­ed, or the col­or palet­te. But some of the most artis­tic cin­e­mat­ic moments are when an actor hangs dong. Take the clas­sic movie Boo­gie Nights. Mark Wahlberg expos­es what is now known to be a pros­thet­ic penis, but still shocked audi­ences, nonethe­less. And who could for­get when Hodor from HBO’s Game of Thrones let it all hang out, show­ing us the baby arm he’s been hid­ing.  Though this is my per­son­al favorite penis scene in a movie [NSFW].

Now how awe­some would it be if your John­son was cast in plas­ter for every­one to ogle over? Pret­ty frig­gin’ sweet if you ask me. Most of us won’t be so lucky, though, unless you were a rock star in the 60’s and 70’s. If you hap­pen to fall into the lat­ter cat­e­go­ry, there’s a good chance Cyn­thia Plas­ter Cast­er took a mold of your naughty bits. She is a groupie turned artist, tak­ing plas­ter molds of every rock star she came across, most notably Jimi Hen­drix. I can­not think of a bet­ter way I’d want my guy remem­bered; I just hope the plas­ter isn’t too cold.

So, let’s say for your fam­i­ly vaca­tion you want to go some­where that will impress Craig in HR, because his fam­i­ly just went to Den­mark and he won’t shut up about how great it was. You look on Kayak and see flights to Ice­land are pret­ty cheap. You arrive in Reyk­javik, only to have your fam­i­ly com­plain the whole time how cold it is, that the food is weird, and how much longer is this hike? Bunch of ungrate­ful brats. You storm off in a huff and decide to make your own adven­ture in Ice­land. After some brews at one of the many bars in town you stum­ble around until you see a build­ing that catch­es your eye. As you get closer, yes, it does say that. You have found The Ice­landic Phal­lo­log­i­cal Muse­um.

This muse­um has over 200 dif­fer­ent penis­es from land and sea mam­mals that inhab­it Ice­land. I’m not sure you can get any more appre­cia­tive of the penis. The wild world of ani­mal penis­es will tru­ly make you stand back and mar­vel at what Moth­er Nature has given the world to cre­ate with. Though the col­lec­tion was miss­ing a human penis, the founder of the muse­um was deter­mined to find one. I will not go into that sto­ry, though, because there is already a doc­u­men­tary about it called The Final Mem­ber, which chron­i­cles the strange sto­ry of how a human penis end­ed up in the muse­um.

Today is a day to rise up, let it all hang out, and pull out all the stops. There is some­thing pure, uncut about Nation­al Penis Day. It’s like look­ing into your Long John Sil­vers bag and see­ing they gave you extra crab cakes. It’s just a sil­ly lit­tle hol­i­day that has grown into some­thing that all peo­ple can appre­ci­ate, for about sev­en min­utes, may­be ten if you’re lucky. So men, pull out those nut-hug­ger jeans, wear sweat­pants with no under­wear, or put your penis in the fridge for a lit­tle just to see what hap­pens. Enjoy the day, it only comes once a year.

 

So, what do you think?