5 Feb
2017

Superb Owl

Are you still salty about the New Eng­land Patri­ots beat­ing the Steel­ers and mak­ing their ninth Super­bowl appear­ance? Noth­ing sucks as much as watch­ing your team get best­ed by a bunch of dirty, cheat­ing pret­ty boys, coached by the most repul­sive man on this plan­et. So what bet­ter way to help heal the wound by being a sore loser and mak­ing fun of the Patri­ots! Here’s my top ten list of why you should hate the Pats:

 

  1. TOM BRADY/Bill Belichick Both Left Preg­nant Wom­an, For A Younger One

Tom Brady and Gise­le Bund­chen have been togeth­er since 2007, but are you aware of Brid­get Moy­na­han? Brady left her for Gise­le when she was more than three months preg­nant with his child. Gise­le is also nine years younger than Brid­get. It goes to show you that the man has com­mit­ment issues. It’s no won­der why him and Belichick get along so well, Bill also left his wife and high school sweet­heart Deb­by Clarke while she was preg­nant with their third child togeth­er for his now girl­friend Lin­da Hol­i­day.

2. Robert Kraft Gave a Super­bowl Ring to Putin

Ok, while he tech­ni­cal­ly didn’t give him a ring, it’s still ques­tion­able why the own­er of a sports team would want to meet the Rus­sian Pres­i­dent. While on a “busi­ness trip” Kraft was intro­duced to Putin, to whom Kraft showed his super­bowl ring. Appar­ent­ly, Putin tried it on and nev­er gave it back. Just know­ing that Vladimir Putin is a fan of the Patri­ots, one can only spec­u­late the shady deals Kraft and him have done over the years.

3.  Deflate­gate

Now this one is real­ly the only unbi­ased rea­son I have on this list. In May of 2015, the NFL began their inves­ti­ga­tion into the claims that the patri­ots were tam­per­ing with their foot­balls; deflat­ing their balls to make it eas­ier to grip and throw dur­ing the AFC cham­pi­onship game again­st the Colts. How could America’s team be cheaters? Have they no morals, have they no shame?

The bot­tom line is, they cheat­ed, they knew about it, regard­less of what they say. The Gold­en Boy him­self was in hot water, though only being charged a measly four game sus­pen­sion. This wasn’t the first time the Pats were caught though…

4. Spy­gate

If deflat­ing foot­balls gets you all worked up, you prob­a­bly for­got when the Patri­ots were caught tap­ing the New York Jet’s defen­sive coach­es’ sig­nals dur­ing a 2007 game. Tap­ing coach­es isn’t again­st the rules if done from des­ig­nat­ed areas, but the Pats were film­ing from their own side­line, which is not allowed. Belichick was fined 500k for this, the team itself was fined 250k and their first round draft pick in the 2008 draft. It came out lat­er that they were tap­ing the St. Louis Rams prac­tice before the Super­bowl in 2002 as well. Caught cheat­ing twice, but they must have an excel­lent PR team, because Pats nation is as strong as ever. (Sounds famil­iar…)

5. Any Fan 23 and under only knows win­ning

Don’t you just hate peo­ple that win every­thing? But don’t you hate it more when those peo­ple weren’t there from the begin­ning? Wel­come to Patri­ots Nation. The epi­cen­ter for band­wag­on fans. A fun fact, if you’re 23 and under, you’ve only wit­nessed sea­sons with at least 11 wins. They’ve nev­er real­ly had much to com­plain about. No young Patri­ots fan is even remote­ly hum­ble about win­ning, and if you bring up cheat­ing, they turn into a lit­tle kid cov­er­ing their ears and eyes, blind and deaf to the truth.

6. Week 17 2000 was the last time they played a game already elim­i­nat­ed from play­off con­tention

Stats like this just rip people’s hearts out when they read them. Lions fans have wit­nessed a win­less sea­son, Jets fans have suf­fered from medi­oc­rity, and Rams fans have watched their team pack up and move. But for the past sev­en­teen years, Patri­ots fans have had the hope of mak­ing it to the play­offs. They can’t relate to any oth­er team or fan, they just live in this lit­tle fan­ta­sy world where they nev­er lose, and that’s why Pat fans are just so insuf­fer­able.

7. Aaron Her­nan­dez

A local boy from my home state of Con­necti­cut, end­ed up play­ing tight end for the Pats in 2010. In 2013 he was arrest­ed for the mur­der of semi pro foot­ball play­er Odin Lloyd. He was released from the team, found guilty of the crime, and sen­tenced to life in pris­on with­out parole. He was also indict­ed for the dou­ble mur­der of Daniel de Abreu and Safiro Fur­ta­do.  I know the Pats real­ly can’t con­trol the­se ter­ri­ble things, but it just throws fuel on the fire. It leaves a stain on their rep­u­ta­tion.

8. Why does Belichick cut the sleeves off his shirts?

This one is pure­ly a mat­ter of taste. Is it for move­ment? Style? Does he need to air his pits out con­stant­ly? What­ev­er the rea­son, I think it’s the stu­pid­est thing in foot­ball and I will make fun of him for it until the day he retires.

9. Fans just suck

Patriot’s fans are sim­ply the worst fans in all of sports. They’re loud, rude, enti­tled, band­wag­on-y jerks. I have yet to meet a fan I get along with. 

 

 

 

10. GRONK

TE Rob Gronkoski is the quin­tes­sen­tial douche bag. He’s dumb, he will sleep with your girl­friend in a heart­beat, and he’s admit­ted­ly pret­ty good at what he does. Nobody likes that type of per­son.

 

 

 

 

 

 

There are plen­ty more as to why you can hate the Patri­ots, but hope­ful­ly this give you some moti­va­tion.

 

So, what do you think?