31 Jul
2012

Kards Unlimited Calendar of Events: August

August is a great mon­th. I still get real­ly excit­ed for back to school time. I am still con­vinced I am going to be fill­ing up my pen­cil case with fresh­ly sharp­ened pen­cils and that I have to go try on some new shoes. It’s also prob­a­bly the lazi­est mon­th of the year. It’s far too hot out to do any­thing oth­er than sit around (watch­ing Olympics!) and sweat into your couch eat­ing ice pops and drink­ing cold beer a lit­tle too ear­ly in the day. Just because it’s a lazy mon­th doesn’t mean that noth­ing hap­pens. There is plen­ty to cel­e­brate in August, and I’m going to tell you all about it after the jump!
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1 Jul
2012

Kards Unlimited Calendar of Events : July!

July is upon us. You can tell because it’s crazy “hot in here”. July has many appro­pri­ate hol­i­days that cel­e­brate exact­ly just how “hot in here” it real­ly is, and all the assort­ed things you eat when it is so hot in here. July is Grilling Mon­th AND Ice Cream Mon­th AND Hot Dog Mon­th. The ulti­mate tri­fec­ta. But let’s not kid our­selves. July is all about the stars and stripes. The good ol’ U.S.A. Just look at that eagle star­ing you down! With that in mind, let’s see what we are up to this mon­th:

July 1st: Canada Day!

OH NO YOU DIDN’T, CANADA. Looks like they beat us to the punch. Our neigh­bors to the north slipped this one in a mere three days before our big cel­e­bra­tion. If they wait­ed a few days we could have gone dubs on every­thing, which would have been so much fun! Like two coun­tries hold­ing hands! Alas.

July 2nd: World U.F.O. Day!

I watched the X-Files like cray when I was a kid, so I am a huge fan of this hol­i­day. On this day, every­body across the plan­et unites in an effort to spot a U.F.O. The gist is that if every­body is watch­ing every­where at least for one day, and aliens decide to fly around on that day, then we will spot one for sure. Come on peo­ple! The evi­dence is over­whelm­ing! Plus, this seems like an awe­some drink­ing hol­i­day.

July 4th: Inde­pen­dence Day!

USA! USA! USA! This is the day we all came togeth­er as one to declare we will not go qui­et­ly into the night! We will not van­ish with­out a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to sur­vive. Today we cel­e­brate our Inde­pen­dence Day! And Will Smith was there. Weird how it’s so close to U.F.O Day, though.

July 5th: Bikini Day!

In 1946 west­ern Europe was cel­e­brat­ing the first war-free sum­mer in years, and a French design­er named Louis Reard unveiled the bikini on July 5th to cel­e­brate. He named it after the famous atom bomb test that took place at Bikini Atoll a week ear­lier. Talk about drop­ping a bomb! The swimwear was banned from beach­es along the Mediter­ranean, but it was such a huge hit, espe­cial­ly among men, that the ban was even­tu­al­ly lift­ed.

July 6th: Inter­na­tion­al Kiss­ing Day!

You can go kiss crazy on this day. We all know that kiss­ing is awe­some, and we could all use the prac­tice. This is the day to cel­e­brate kiss­ing for kissing’s sake, not as a for­mal­i­ty or a pre­lude to “oth­er things.”

July 9th: Town Crier Day!

Here Ye! Here Ye! Before Guten­berg and mass-print­ed mate­ri­al, before news­pa­pers, before Face­book and Twit­ter, peo­ple got their news from peo­ple who rang bells and shout­ed things in the street. It’s fun to imag­ine what town criers would be like now. “LOL. Come look at this fun­ny pic­ture of a cat!”

July 10th: Ted­dy Bear Pic­nic Day!

Grab your favorite ted­dy bear and have a pic­nic today! Just the two of you! Sounds like a real­ly fun, hap­py hol­i­day, but when you see it actu­al­ly hap­pen it will make you sad. Ted­dy bears don’t actu­al­ly eat any­thing any­way.

July 15th: Saint Swithun’s Day!

  • St Swithun’s day if thou dost rain
  • For forty days it will remain
  • St Swithun’s day if thou be fair
  • For forty days ‘twill rain nae mare

Per­son­al­ly I prefer my mag­i­cal, weath­er-pre­dict­ing hol­i­days with fur and buck teeth, but this seems to fit Great Britain’s shtick bet­ter.

July 27th: Bar­bie in a Blender Day!

You would think this is a hol­i­day about smash­ing female stereo­types that are forced on girls. How­ev­er, it’s actu­al­ly a cel­e­bra­tion of the vic­to­ry of an artist over Mat­tel in court. I think the gist is that you throw Bar­bie dolls into blenders.

July Birth­days:

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31 May
2012

Kards Unlimited Calendar of Events: June!

June is one of those months that peo­ple just look for­ward to all year. It’s sun­ny and I have my BBQ BLAZIN’ pret­ty much every day. The hol­i­days for June reflect this laid-back enthu­si­asm.

First­ly, June is Nation­al Iced Tea Mon­th, and I won­der why? Noth­ing cools you off faster on a hot day than a tall glass of iced tea. The taller the bet­ter, that’s what I always say. Here at KU we drink Manute Bol-sized glass­es of iced tea by the dozen all sum­mer long, but we go espe­cial­ly nuts dur­ing June, because you know…holiday. I sug­gest you do the same. We have crazy amounts of deli­cious tea here at Kards Unlim­it­ed, so stop in a let us get you out­fit­ted for some iced tea adven­tures!

June 1st-2nd: Heim­lich Maneu­ver Day!

This is a day to cel­e­brate the Heim­lich Maneu­ver. If you haven’t received the exten­sive emer­gen­cy med­ical train­ing that I have, the gist is when some­one is chok­ing you maneu­ver behind them, get a good grip, and thrust furi­ous­ly.

The good stuff

June 2nd: Pen­cil Day!

I used to be a big pen user. I almost nev­er used pen­cils, but I have seen the light. Pen­cils are freak­in’ awe­some. If you are a pen user you should give pen­cils a shot today. Make sure you are using a pre­mi­um pen­cil, though. Those half-plas­tic, cheap, crap­py pen­cils just don’t cut it. I sug­gest a Dixon Ticonderoga…or any Dixon pen­cil, real­ly. I prefer a hexag­o­nal, cedar, yel­low body, with a HB #2 lead, and I use a long-point pen­cil sharp­en­er. Seriously…try it. You well nev­er go back to the dark side. Plus, nobody can make you join the “Pen15” club. “Pen­cil15” just doesn’t have the same “zing” for those jok­ers.

June 7th-10th: Super­man Week!

Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, idiot, it’s Super­man Week. Who doesn’t love Super­man? Well, besides vil­lains and evil-doers… At Kards Unlim­it­ed we think he’s, you know…super. If you want to read anoth­er hilar­i­ous arti­cle by some­one with too much time on their hands, check out this arti­cle about what would hap­pen if Super­man actu­al­ly slept with Lois Lane.

June 15th: Nation­al Flip-Flop Day!

I refuse to cel­e­brate this hol­i­day, because flip-flops are lazy. The only good use for a flip-flop is avoid­ing athlete’s foot in the dorm show­er, and even then I would rather just deal with the athlete’s foot, or wear reg­u­lar shoes in the show­er. But we should be see­ing lots of action from Mitt Rom­ney on this day. Get it? Flip-flop? OOOOO Time­ly-polit­i­cal-joke bur­rrrrrrrrrrrrrrned!

June 16th: Blooms­day!

The snooti­est hol­i­day of the year! Also known as “I Am Bet­ter Than You Day”. This is a hol­i­day where peo­ple talk about a book that they haven’t read, James Joyce’s Ulysses, which is set on June 16th.

June 17th: Fathers’ Day!

Final­ly! A real hol­i­day! Com­pared to Moth­ers’ Day, Fathers’ Day is a breeze. Find a fun­ny card, may­be one that talks about “farts”, get some hilar­i­ous gifts about drink­ing, and you’re done! Dad’s are easy that way.

Nobody knew who they were, or what they were doing.

June 20th: Sum­mer Sol­stice!

This is the longest day of the year, at least for us here in the north (Win­ter is Com­ing). We cel­e­brate by doing noth­ing. Unless you are a druid, in which case it’s the great­est hol­i­day of the year! Also, con­grat­u­la­tions on the whole druid thing.

June 21st: Go Skate­board­ing Day!

For those who skate, this hol­i­day is pret­ty self-explana­to­ry. For those who don’t, use this hol­i­day as a chance to say “rad­i­cal” and pre­tend you are awe­some enough to actu­al­ly go skate­board­ing. I will be doing the lat­ter.

June 22nd: Take Your Dog to Work Day!

Most dogs are pret­ty lazy. Many dogs are incred­i­bly hard-work­ing, but there are few enough of the­se that we call them “work­ing dogs”. My dog hasn’t worked a day in his life. I would bring him to work, but if my dog “did his busi­ness” here my boss would get a frowny face.

June 24th: Inter­na­tion­al Fairy Day!

Any­one who thinks fairies aren’t awe­some just isn’t pay­ing atten­tion. They are like tiny, sexy, mag­i­cal bugs! There is such a large vari­ety to choose from! Also there is the added bonus that they are TOTALLY REAL and I want to live on a mush­room with one.

 

June Birth­days:

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1 May
2012

Kards Unlimited Calendar of Events: May!

It’s that time of the mon­th again. You guessed it! Time to learn all about

THE MERRY MONTH OF MAY!

May is one of my favorite months, because it is just jam-packed with some of the best hol­i­days of the year, so let’s jump right in.

 

May is Get Caught Read­ing Mon­th. I’m not sure why you “get caught” reading…Maybe because you are embar­rassed by what you are read­ing. See­ing as how “Fifty Shades of Grey” is so “hot” right now, I think this is a time­ly hol­i­day. For more rea­sons than one, because May is also Nation­al Mas­tur­ba­tion Mon­th! So when you do get caught, you know…reading…you can use your book to hide your shame.

 

Heeeeey Macare­na!

May 1st: May Day May Day!

This is one of the most promi­nent pre-Chris­tian hol­i­days. It just feels like the sort of hol­i­day hob­bits cel­e­brate. Although I think I have seen “The Wick­er Man” far too many times for this hol­i­day not to creep me out. I see peo­ple dressed up like druids, danc­ing around the May­pole, and I feel cer­tain that the next thing I know I will get stuffed into a large wood­en stat­ue filled with farm ani­mals and burned alive…to death.

 

May 1st: Bat­man Day.

We are always all over Bat­man Day. We sell a ton of awe­some Bat­man comics, as well as fun Bat­man prod­ucts. Since Pitts­burgh is the new Gotham City, we are extra excit­ed this year!

 

May 4th: Inter­galac­tic Star Wars Day!!!

May the Fourth be with you. This is both an awe­some play on words and a cel­e­bra­tion of my favorite movie of all time. I will prob­a­bly spend the day swing­ing my sweet lightsaber around and prac­tic­ing my Twi’lek dialects. Then prob­a­bly hit the Mos Eis­ley Can­ti­na to have a frothy, smok­ing, blue milk-like bev­er­age and get my arm chopped off. I hear it’s taco night!

 

Did I men­tion frosty?

May 5th: Der­by Day.

In case you have been liv­ing under a rock, Der­by Day is when they run the Ken­tucky Der­by. Which means you get all gussied up in spring cloth­ing with either a large fan­cy hat, or a jaun­ty hat (for the gen­tle­men!), and drink deli­cious frosty mint juleps out of frosty sil­ver cups while you watch some of the most expen­sive and well-trained ani­mals in the world com­pete in the first leg of the Triple Crown. It’s sort of like the Roy­al Wed­ding, but you get to do it every year.

 

May 5th: Cin­co de Mayo.

This hol­i­day is on the cin­co of Mayo every year. This is not Mex­i­can Inde­pen­dence Day (which is Sep­tem­ber 16th) but it still com­mem­o­rates a major step on the way to inde­pen­dence. A good way to think about this hol­i­day is as the Mex­i­can St. Patrick’s Day. This means that here in the Esta­dos Unidos, we cel­e­brate the same way we cel­e­brate almost every hol­i­day: By drink­ing.

May 7–13th: Children’s Book Week.

Time to cel­e­brate the mag­i­cal books from your child­hood. There are so many good ones that we need a week to cel­e­brate this. Children’s books are our intro­duc­tion to read­ing, as well as the fact that there is a world that exists beyond what we can see. We cer­tain­ly have the best selec­tion of children’s book in town, and we are always eager to talk about them. You are nev­er too old for children’s books, so stop in and pick up an old clas­sic, or try some­thing new!

 

May 12th: Lim­er­ick Day.

On this day we cel­e­brate the birth­day of Edward Lear, who pop­u­lar­ized the lim­er­ick in his Book of Non­sense. This is a five-line poem in AABBA struc­ture, sup­pos­ed­ly invent­ed in the Irish town of Lim­er­ick, which was also once known as “STAB CITY.” Sounds like a charm­ing lit­tle town! Being from Stab City, lim­er­icks are best when they are crude and vul­gar:

Joy, I said. Jump for it.

  • The lim­er­ick packs laughs anatom­i­cal
  •  In space that is quite eco­nom­i­cal,
  •  But the good ones I’ve seen
  •  So sel­dom are clean,
  •  And the clean ones so sel­dom are com­i­cal.


You’re doing it wrong.

May 13th: Mother’s Day!!!

This is the big one. The one day a year where you show your mom some respect for giv­ing up her entire life for you. So I think the very least you can do it get her a card, or which we have approx­i­mate­ly one jil­lion. If you want my advice, you may want to get a step above and buy her a ton of actu­al gifts, of which we have approx­i­mate­ly one jil­lion, and then take her out for a nice brunch (with cham­pag­ne!).

 

 

May 14th-20th: Amer­i­can Craft Beer Week.

I cel­e­brate this all the time. Its sort of like hav­ing Nation­al Breath­ing Oxy­gen Week, but that doesn’t mean we should take it for grant­ed. You should use this week to sup­port your local brew­ery. Hon­est­ly peo­ple, its not that hard. Just drink beer! I’m get­ting a head start on this right now!

 

May 16th: Nation­al Sea Mon­key Day.

Sea Mon­keys are the eas­i­est pet of all time. They are just tiny lit­tle brine shrimp in a pack­et. You just add water and BOOM! Instant pets. Sea Mon­keys are one of the few ani­mals that have been to out­er space.

 

May 18th: Nation­al Piz­za Par­ty Day.

This should be a manda­to­ry nation­al hol­i­day. Build­ings and offices should be closed. Noth­ing, I repeat, noth­ing is more impor­tant than a piz­za par­ty. Plus, this falls right in the mid­dle of Craft Beer Week, so: Par­ty. Bonus.

Check.

May 25th: Tow­el Day.

  • Any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, strug­gle again­st ter­ri­ble odds, win through, and still knows where his tow­el is, is clear­ly a man to be reck­oned with.”

In Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, you should know where your tow­el is at all times. It is the most use­ful thing a hitch­hik­er can have. This is good advice. Car­ry a tow­el around all day to show your appre­ci­a­tion for Dou­glas Adams and The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

 

May Birth­days:

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