2 Mar

National Salesperson Day 2018

Salespeople don’t really have the best rep. I mean, what image comes to your mind when you think on the word? It’s probably somebody who’s working really hard to get you to buy a thing you probably don’t actually want or need. Like those pushy people at mall kiosks. Or the door-to-door “help the earth, omg, or else you’re a terrible person” salespeople. I’ll be honest, this particular type of salesperson does not inspire me to celebrate them for a whole day.

But you know, there are also LOTS of really GREAT salespeople!! For instance, everyone who works at Kards Unlimited! And the workers at Sephora who give out free samples! And like that one guy at the Market District who is always smiling, always brings you a cart, and knows where everything is in that giant freaking place. These people should absolutely be celebrated. Because they deal with customers. Alllll day. And customers can be a piece of work, LET ME TELL YOU. (Obviously not customers at Kards. All the customers at Kards are gems. DIAMONDS IN THE ROUGH.)

So on this prestigious holiday, I’d like to take a moment to celebrate the GOOD salesperson. Cheers to you. And to me. For doing a great job on telling people why they should buy the thing that they’re buying!

In order to bring the full Salesperson experience to you today, I’m going to show off my own personal skills! If you’ve been to our store, you know we are the best store. And you know we have some pretty weird stuff. I’m going to tell you about our most strange merchandise and use my superior salesperson skills to convince you that you probably need these items ASAP. It will be super successful, and not farcical at all!!

I bet you didn’t know that most squirrels are really embarrassed by their own nakedness. If you were to give your backyard squirrel a nice pair of freshly laundered underpants, why, you would have a friend for life! And there’s nothing better than a squirrel friend. They keep you constantly supplied with tree nuts, they chase away all those pesky song birds and they provide ample entertainment for good ol’ Fido. You should totally consider buying these AMAZING, STYLISH, ONE SIZE FITS MOST Squirrel Underpants! (how are my sales skills??? Working on you yet?)

In today’s modern society, we still have a long way to go to de-stigmatize normal human body parts and healthy discussion of safe sex. Proudly displaying this happy penis on your jumper is just one more step towards societal growth! Sure, this lil’ dud(ette)* looks a little floppy, not necessarily the societal ‘ideal’ picture of what a penis ‘should look like’ but what does that mean anyway? A penis should look like exactly what it looks like! Some are small, some are wide, some are floppy. In fact a lot of them are probably floppy MOST of the time, despite what Cosmo tells you about penis-having people.
We also have a very pretty little Labia and Vagina pin, but we are ALMOST SOLD OUT of those ones. Apparently people have a preference there. So I say, step out of the NORM. Buy yourself a PENIS pin. Not a Labia Pin. Not a Liver, Heart or Spleen pin. Go PENIS!

A good pocket knife is an accessory that everyone should have, in my opinion. I mean, when you’re at that coffee shop working super last minute on that paper due tomorrow and the whole place is full of VERY LOUD ANNOYING PEOPLE, you’re gonna need that pocket knife so that you can use it to open the hard plastic packaging of those headphones you bought just now to fill your ears with energizing 80s ballads instead of sugar-fueled shrieks about Justin Bieber and old grouchy mumbling about the times we live in now.
Anyway. Pocket knives. They should be stylish AND functional, right? And what is more stylish than a fish? Speaking of fish, we also have an amazing fish-shaped flask! Your accessories could MATCH!

Okay, so the craze is kind of dying down. Fidget Spinners are maybe not the HAWT item that they were just a few months ago. Unfortunately, we ordered enough Fidget Spinners to arm the spawn of hell with them, so like, we still have a large number in stock. So here’s what I’m thinking. You buy a fidget spinner and put it on a necklace. And then buy two more and put some earring hooks on those ones. And then BAM you are starting A WHOLE NEW TREND! FIDGET JEWELRY. FI-JEWELRY.
Alternatively you could buy a whole bunch of them and then travel to some other country where they haven’t had the fad yet and be like a SUPERSTAR of Fidget Spinnery for introducing them to a whole new culture.
What’s that, you say? Only Americans could be distracted by something as silly and mindless as a fidget spinner? You tried that already in Canada and they patted your head like a small child and looked at you with sadness? Ah. I see.
NEW PLAN. You come and buy these fidget spinners. And for each one you buy, we will give you two for free.
That’s a real plan. There are signs. Please buy the fidget spinners. SURELY SOMEONE STILL WANTS THEM.

I’m 100% sure that everyone has had a moment when they went to eat their packed lunch and realized that there were no more forks in the staff room. What if you owned a device that would save you from eating that pasta with your fingers? Let me tell you about the wonder of FOLDING CUTLERY! It’s like a pocket knife, except that it’s a spoon and a fork that fold up and fit in your pocket. In fact, they even detach so you can use the fork and the spoon in two separate hands! It even comes with this little storage pouch to protect it from pocket lint! This, my friends, is what they call a SOLID BUY.

Look, I don’t know. Someone thought that this was a good idea. And then, some other group of people said, “yes, this IS a good idea. Let us spend money to make this into a sellable product and FILL THE SHELVES WITH PARTY RATS.” Okay. so. I’m going to use my SALESPERSON SKILLS to tell you why you need these things. Ahem.
Party Rats! They are PERFECT for raves. Like, you go to a drug-filled, hip-hopping, loud-as-heck rave and you think, “I need an accessory that will make people think that I am ALSO on the drugs. And it sure would be handy if it could help me find the zipper on my jeans when I have to pee in the pitch dark bathroom that is standard in rave locations.” Well, do I have the answer for you, my friend! Party Rats! That’s where it’s at. They go on your fingers and they glow and they are like little laser shows. You will be the life of the party. Unless you go to a party full of rats. They might be confused as to why you killed their brethren and put lasers in their brains or something**.



Okay, so I’m skilling it up all over the salesperson place over here! Do you want to buy all the things yet??? No????? NO????? WELL YOU ARE GOING TO WANT THESE HANDICATS FOR SURE. OR I HAVEN’T DONE MY JOB HERE.
Handicats! Good for Laughs! Rhymes with Rats! Handicats and Party Rats! One for each hand!
I mean, let’s be real here. Haven’t you ever been hanging out with a bunch of aloof kitty cats and thought to yourself, “I sure wish these Kool Kats thought I was one of the group, man!” Well here’s a solution! Get out your trusty Handicat (hopefully in your pocket right next to your folding cutlery) and put on a finger-cat-puppet show! Pretend to walk back and forth on the table! Make adorable mewing sounds! Take out your fish-shaped flask and/or pocket knife and lick it with your handicat head finger. THE KOOL KATS WILL BE SO VERY IMPRESSED WITH YOU. They will absolutely decide RIGHT THEN AND THERE that you must be inducted into their secret society of Kittidom. Or, rather, that your hand can be inducted. The rest of you might have to wait outside during their secret meetings. Unnnnnlesssss you get one of these super great Cat masks. That’d do it.

You know what. I don’t think I have any more sales in me. Just buy a damn pin.



23 Oct

Hats for Sale!