Do you have a friend who disappears for hours and comes back bruised? Does your friend randomly do a lot of pushups in the middle of the floor? Is your friend able to, for some odd reason, tell you every species of bats and which one is the scariest? Are they a billionaire and have done nothing to achieve this status except be born to the right parents? If so, your friend may be Batman. Or if not Batman, they might think they are Batman.

So what do you get as a gift for your Batman-friend? Are you at a loss, thinking that they probably already own every cool gadget? At Kards Unlimited, we were also stumped by this question. Fortunately, we have Batman’s famous butler’s number, and he had all the advice.

 

bat1Bandaids

“Bandaids,”Alfred immediately said, when we called him up at the mansion in Gotham. “He is always in need of Bandaids after a night of running about like an idiot. Especially pretty Bandaids. He’s always going for very boring Bandaids, like skin-color or black. I shake my head at this every time. Why Bru-. . . Batman? Why be boring?”

Gotcha, Alfred. So for your Batman-friend who may or may not actually be Batman, we have lots of Bandaids with a special twist at Kards Unlimited. Once you enter the magical store, take three steps and look left.  Here you will see about waist-level (or head-level, really depends how tall you are) unicorn Bandaids, Jane Austin Bandaids, Edgar Allen Poe Bandaids, Jesus Bandaids, and more. So if your Batman- friend gets a cut, give them an optimistic Bandaid that will make that mean frown upside down.

 

bat2A Graphic Novel of Themselves

“Batman,” said Alfred while preparing a cup of Earl-Grey tea, “is a bit egotistical. He likes reading books about himself because he likes to see how he’s portrayed in a plethora of mediums, including graphic novels. Why this is, don’t ask me.”

So buy your Batman-friend a graphic novel of themselves! At Kards Unlimited, we shelve a plethora of Batman graphic novels. If you don’t know which books of themselves they already own, ask them! Then surprise them with a mean-looking graphic novel such as Batman: R.I.P., Batman: The City of Owls, Batman: Death in the Family, and more!

bat3A Batman Through the Years Mug

“Batman”, said Alfred, “always likes to drink coffee in the morning; I like tea.” Alfred hinted that Batman’s time with a certain American girlfriend brought about this change of taste, but then quickly changed the topic to more shallow complaints. “Batman keeps forgetting to bring his mugs down from his bedroom so none of them get washed. I told him, we made a deal, that if I helped him with his taxes then he would wash his own mugs. Well, since he won’t wash his own, he keeps trying to use mine. And we all know that the taste of coffee in a mug can really ruin the taste of tea. So, yes, if you could get a great mug that he will want to wash so he’ll stay away from mine, that would be bloody fantastic.”

KU’s Batman Through the Years is perfect. Not only is it an awesome mug, but it also serves as a way for your Batman-friend to contemplate their past life as they sip warm, hot coffee. This is definitely a mug they will want to wash again and again and again.  

 

bat4I Heart Guts

“Batman keeps hurting his organs,” Alfred said, “even though I keep warning him, he is not being kind to his body. If you could get him something to remind him to be kind to his body, I would be grateful.”

Here at KU, we sell a line called “I Heart Guts”: organs that are soft, cuddly and totally realistic. Have your Batman-friend snuggle with a spleen, a heart, appendix, tooth, and we think they will immediately become more aware of the harm they could be causing their little friends inside themselves. Also, they make great companions to make your Batman-friend feel less lonely, just in case their significant ex is killed in an explosion set off by a joker.

 

bat5All My Friends Are Dead

This small book, found on our coffee table book selection, was not recommended by Alfred but recommended by KU. This book will help any person who identifies as Batman connect with their inner feelings as they realize they are not alone with all their friends being dead. Whether a dinosaur, a sock, or a tree, your Batman friend will laugh and cry simultaneously as they remember all the friends they have lost and make them feel, hopefully, not so alone. Especially if they are reading this while cuddling with an organ.

But the most important thing, as Alfred summed up at the end of our conversation, is love. “I am sure, whatever you give Batman (or someone who thinks they are Batman), as long as it is given in love, it will be gratefully appreciated. Saving a city is rough business, and a lonely one. So love goes a long way.”

That’s it on our end. Please comment below on other gifts you think would be perfect for someone who identifies as Batman. And what’s better, coffee or tea?

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So, what do you think?